TURN IT DOWN.. {{audio recording}}
Personal Chat Hitting On A Couple of Insightful Points. Look out for: Unhelpful Thinking & Boomerang Language! A LONG READ & Short Conversation... x
TURN DOWN THE NOISE MAN! *shouts*
I live with a man whose baseline is always at 60-70 decimal level. He is a noise fuck. He shouts just to ask the fucking time. I am not a loud person and don’t respond well to being yelled at, even in all innocence. I hate that he can’t hear me when I speak. I hate that he turns the TV on mute to speak even though he voice masked anything that is playing on it at any volume. I think he does it on purpose to make me do what he says and this way of bellowing really puts my equilibrium on edge. Not only that, the dog has become accustomed now to tugging on my dress or clothes with her teeth whenever he is shouting at me, even if I haven’t retaliated with shouting back or even speaking a word.
It annoys me that he treats me with such contempt and disrespect - makes me feel like it’s just me who is being unreasonable. Maybe I am just sensitive and weak. Even if that’s the case he should tend to my need for a calmer, quieter voice as I have to tend to him by speaking up (raising my voice) when he can’t hear me speak. I mean who screams out loud for no reason whatsoever. He was only ‘joking’ just now when he called me in from my office (front room) to the bedroom just to fix his flip flop which was falling off his feet which he had put up on the bed, for one I hate him putting outside shoes on any kind of furniture worst of all our bed! I didn’t comment or complain.
Instead, I just dutifully started to replace his footwear trying to thread the thong part back onto his toes but I turned to look at him whilst doing so because he was bellowing “put it on my foot, hurry up.. It’s not right” so it slowed me down and I panicked. That's when the dog jumped off the bed and started pulling at my dress. This distresses me because not only do I already have plenty of holes in my clothes from god knows where, moths? The washing machine? Wear and tear? Now from the little Dog!
A Rod For My Own Back - House Jobs *aka Chores* - DO it AS you GO along…
I had the perfect opportunity to do so in the comfort of my own home ALONE (which was awesome!) because he went out to have a drink with his brother (didn’t come home until 5am which I also have no issues with) but will save on the details of that incident for *NEW*JustClingingOn because again he did some stuff that really takes the piss out of me, my finances and just generally turns me off being in this relationship; as it confirms he and I together are toxic.
During the time I had yesterday to work my way around the house, I considered pulling my finger out more (by doing his side of the chores which haven’t been done for weeks) on top of my own, probably ending up pulling my back out more. You see I would have done those things just to get a cleaner kitchen but it’s not only the principle of it all, it’s creating a pattern of consent for the inadvertent disrespect that I get when I let him off with jobs.
I am not one of those people who get up and keep a clean house by routine, habit, choice or lack thereof. Unfortunately, I have a creative brain which means I can live in a messy environment. I myself am not that messy. I can be quite untidy but I naturally clear things up after myself as I go along. On the other hand he just eats and leaves dirty plates, empty beer cans, clothes, cups, wherever the fuck he is situated. I have a bathroom sink full of shit like empty bottles of pop, boxer shorts and a couple of fucking multitool-type knives.
I am forever returning stuff like that back to its rightful place or taking it to the bin but as I was saying this just was making me angry for starters and in the long run he expected me to chase around clearing up after him all the time like I was making a rod for my own back. Also he didn’t even try to keep on top of it or keep things we need like kitchens and sinks clear in future.
He just roams around like a toddler, even when told something like “don’t ever put clothes on top of the dog’s cage in the living room again”, surely at age 42 he is old enough to comprehend. It being a new rule I continued to just say nothing, remove the piles of coats and shoes and remind him of what not to do.
In the end I thought fuck this. I am teaching him that if he can’t hear he must feel. I know as well as he knows that he hates being in a shitty, untidy, unclean, messy house. Well, don’t we all! He thinks I enjoy this way of living. He thinks I am not a ‘real woman’ for not doing those things. I usually stick to my side of the bargain but that’s it - I won’t help him unless he helps out around the house.
As a weirdo myself I analyse his lack of assistance in the smooth running of the household as his statement, subconscious as it may well be, that he has no intention of taking part in this house, this little family (him, the dog and me) isn’t worth it for him, and he doesn’t have any fear of losing me because he is not interested in pleasing me.
I know that depression plays a huge part in us both getting out of sync about these things and letting jobs get on top of us, even the slightest case of unhappiness or disappointment or neglected emotion can grind down our motivational engines to a complete stop.
I didn’t do his job for him. I did mine and enjoyed the time alone. I spoke to him when he arrived there because my uncle had reached out to him trying to get hold of me. I wasn’t answering messages on messenger apparently - turned out that he was writing to my old account. After that we both did our own nights in our own way. Thirteen hours passed between us without checking in with one another to see if we were ok. Gone are the days when we’d be texting and messaging every other hour all night while we were apart. Usually my stomach would have been in knots after a few hours but recently I am getting myself reacquainted with my own company. I enjoyed it.
Unwanted Self Love *Project Chasey*
To The Rescue.. Here I am! x There are no two words on this earth which are harder to endure emotionally than ‘Unwanted Animal’ namely dogs. You can tell me to ‘Fuck Off’ and call me all those names that make me negatively turn angst on myself and reflect on that perspective a chewable reflection of reality found from a nihilistic introspective on the …
Project Chasey
Since focusing on loving me more and my project to incorporate some self love, care and respect towards myself which started yesterday {26 May 2024} as briefly mentioned in the post above.
Today, I thought about the way I usually handle my emotions when I feel downtrodden. I had previously, the night before while I was alone with the dog (bliss by the way!), had been reconsidering my approach to how I wanted to deal with the dark side to my partner’s personality. He is a bit of a narcissist but I believe that maybe I have some of that in me too. I wanted to tap into that idea and decided to, in future, try to add some steel into my projected personality when dealing with him and hopefully the rest of the world.
I applied some strength of mind, in a bid to preserve myself, without hurting anybody else, as I began to process the information I was being handed. I will be writing an essay in the next few days discussing details about this ‘information’ and ‘experiences’ in story line format. It’ll be in *NEW*JustClingingOn if any of that really interests anyone you might fancy subscribing to get the additional information directly in your inbox. I hope you do because I am still very low in numbers and trying to build a good quality readership. Us against the world right! I need that level of acceptance sometimes. I shall give you the heads up here too once those updates go out.
I decided to think about the situation head on, not as a victim (although anyone would be mad about this happening to them too!), I wouldn’t challenge what’s already happened - I have always been, by nature, a person who believes “never to cry over spilt milk”. I put my hard hat and hard face on and took the initiative to accept the extra expense to my upcoming budget.
I put my suspicion of infidelity to one side without throwing it into the mix, I lay down some alternative ground rules. I decided to be diplomatic because the language we use and the things we say to other people also boomerang back into us. So if the message I am delivering is that negative..
For example: “look how much I am suffering. You have hurt me doing this. You don’t respect me. You’ve taken the fuuuuuucking piss out of me”
If I came into a situation like this then automatically I would make it clear to him that I am upset and that’s all, it won’t dictate on him how he feels about me being upset. Especially as he already suspected, expected and anticipated that I would definitely get upset when he ‘confessed’.
The real damage I will have done would be unto myself. The boomerang effect would reinforce how little I am cared for, how stupid I am for letting him get away with it, how helpless I am because I can’t do anything to stop him getting away with it and I can’t change that it has happened. Anything else would be left to ruminate in my head of ways I can get out of this relationship.
Where instead if I were to address it this way (which in the end this is similar to what I did say): “it’s fine, not a problem, I will sort this mess out for you, I am the only person capable of doing that for you. I expected something like this to happen but it won’t fucking happen again. You can reimburse me by changing your plans to purchase that present* for yourself this coming Friday. I will also be treating myself to something nice to the same value out of my own budget so do not worry, I have no intention of making you suffer anymore than you already have”
*it’s something we had planned for a while and was inexpensive so it hardly compensated for what I had to fork out, but it would inconvenience him like he had done with me.
Words to that effect made more sense, not only gaining a ‘better’ reaction out of him but also making me feel less stressed, more in control, more positive about myself. I even loved him again because of the iron soul I had reincarnated by being so good to myself. The reason I approached it this way is because when I was alone that night, I was hatching plans to dissolve this relationship, get out, start again and that was before I knew of anything he had done untowards against me.
After lots of the same consideration, I reminded myself that when he is going through the motions of pleasing me with the basic need for politeness and courtesy towards me; I don’t actually feel like leaving him, in fact I wish we could stay together forever as originally planned. It’s only whilst he is being his usual unpleasant (understatement of the day!) that I can’t cope very well and think I should run away. It’s all about self-preservation. On these findings and considerations I decided. It’s best to stay and let things run their course first without upsetting the applecart because I am not there yet. I’ve already thrown the towel in on The Muse and I have another bit of a drama I am avoiding too, nervous of making the wrong decisions. Until next time! Thank you for your time and interest. xxx