Unwanted Self Love *Project Chasey*
26 MAY 2024 : Self reflective Change of Direction (for the time being!) x
To The Rescue.. Here I am! x
There are no two words on this earth which are harder to endure emotionally than ‘Unwanted Animal’ namely dogs. You can tell me to ‘Fuck Off’ and call me all those names that make me negatively turn angst on myself and reflect on that perspective a chewable reflection of reality found from a nihilistic introspective on the account of your acute accuracy. If I valued your opinion at all.
I am in awe of those mistreated pets that learn to love sincerely yet again and give their trust to other humans over and over again. They thrive in the arms of the most loving owners and regain a certain spring in their step. I need to adopt myself. I want to love myself like I love all dogs (and cats, and elephants and all birds especially ‘flying vermin’ pigeons - even more so because of that widespread ‘opinion’ of their condition).
If I could love myself half as well as I love my own dog then I’d be as confident as her. She’s a lovely little soul who isn’t afraid to express herself in ways which would make your blood run cold at times. She is secure in her happiness and able to differentiate between what she wants against what she needs. She is happy to get a toy but knows that food is more important. (She gets both but this is only metaphorical).Â
If it breaks my heart to watch the RSPCA charity adverts on TV, or hear about a dog/cat/bird/fish/otter whatever, getting hurt in a clip on TikTok, then why do I feel nothing about being battered and bruise myself; emotionally, psychologically, mentally and physically. Then why doesn’t it so much as make me flinch whenever I am being treated disgustingly or my feelings are discounted, neglected, unappreciated, or nourished. Why do I not care enough for myself? In future I will consider my Self like I consider the souls of all animals. Mine might be, in the words of Charles Bukowski:
‘‘ Love is a Dog From Hell’
Sometimes self-inflicted torture on the soul - like this shit with the old muse. Is like a kick in the ribs. All I do is keep coming back with a ball he won’t throw, waiting for him to chuck me a bone.
I have a new muse who I will give my feral love to:
ME , MY FUCKING SELF & I …. x My soul should soon be given all the dog-worthy love I deserve.
LOOK OUT FOR UPDATES ON 'Project Chasey’ as going forward I will include a daily ‘PC’ diary post as an update within whatever other post is happening.
I have been trying to love these fools for centuries (hypothetically/romantically) there’s something so appealing in the hunting of something almost unattainable. I thought that maybe I inherited this determination and backhanded tolerance through being abandoned at birth and utterly rejected from there on out. Might have been a coping mechanism but I never have learnt anything from doing it. Surely, everything has a lesson. I should have built up some kind of resilience by now. I looked up the term used in some sort of bible online:Â
Matthew 5:43-48 - Love The Enemy?
I didn’t do anything in Bible Study except fantasise about the clock on the wall turning to five. Willing the hands to hurry up. Looking at this stuff now you’d think that I should look closer to home. I have been my own worst enemy the majority of this lifetime. Even now, the only specs or hints of self love come from a place of anger. My anger is really the part of me that still respects and wishes to defend the person in me. I might not like the way I look on the outside but I certainly care about the soul that resides, hurting, and hurting myself still comes as standard. No, there are no further scars on my skin, no more attempts on my life, no more near misses with dangerous things.Â
I am still in a position where I am self- destructive. I write to deconstruct the Self who I am estranged from and if I were to analyse from the outside looking in. I am one of those unwanted animals, shivering in the cage called life, biting the hand that feeds them, pining for the owner who hurt them. Not understanding yet that they didn’t deserve any of this behaviour. I am that dog with the big eyes, biting at its own skin, crawling towards the comforter while snarling, holding my tail in, growling at the caring hands, still obeying the conditions of the past.Â
From now on I am going to give myself the love I tried to give everyone else - mostly those who did not want or deserve it. Where do I start though? It’s easier said than done, when I feel like I already meet my basic needs. All I know is that in order to give this love to myself I am going to withdraw it from everyone else, only those who lack the capacity to enjoy and appreciate it.