The Closest Thing To Ruining Christmas

Confessional Conversations: 24 December 2024 and 25 December 2024

Christmas Eve Morning:

Trying to make an effort to be ‘festive & shit’ as it says on my t-shirt somewhere off the shot. Hang on……I’ll do you the honours and give you a wee glimpse of the auld TEMU special Xmas get-up 2024.

I never really have ‘done’ christmas and it has nothing to do with being childfree (from choice and fate and appreciation of humanity). It is true we have no children to spoil (on) Christmas :) but that doesn’t mean I’m a mean old crank, ok let me rephrase that, I am actually a mean old fucking crank but its not the reason why I decided or rather rejoiced after realising the fact was I’d never be pregnant and never have children (or fuck up another person’s life like I have done mine). After realising that I wasn’t meant to be a Mother - don’t worry this is not a sad thing - it’s standard. I’d have to use my nurturing soul on other unsuspecting victims like; my dogs, my boyfriend, my mum, and especially my MUSE and other such special humans who have, once in their lifetime, given me their time, love or just their dick., who knows. I feel like all those times when I was young and refusing to love anyone because of my upbringing and being an abandoned baby.. I grew up against the idea of love and affection. I treated those who gave me theirs as, TOYs. Boys were Toys I’d play with. It’s fine because I was never wifey material either, they probably just wanted to fuck a crazy redhead, schizophrenic, mental slag… imagine that….. back in the 90’s and naughties (00’s). Horny AF.

The trouble is I did fall in love. With Funky As You Like and I live my life the BEFORE and AFTER f.a.u.l. Because he was using me and love-bombing (via those old fuck-off dial-up routers on bastard MSN LOL)─ and whatever-the-fuck-was going on - but he was the one who taught me how to show LOVE if I even wanted to. Decades later I shower my ‘muses’ with the same sort of affection. This day and age its crap, bullshit, transparent, generic and should be obsolete. Just, I am a natural nurturer and I want to love but like a sociopath, can only do it by copying others. I don’t have the resources to LOVE CORRECTLY. You know what? I just paused for thought and went outside, half a bottle of red down, to have a lovely-jubbly smoke of a hand rolled tobacco roll up, you know what I mean, well, I have forgotten my train of thought but I was greeted by a fucking gorgeous sky… it now feels like Christmas.

I remembered how I ruined Christmas Eve after he ruined Christmas Day (night)… find out here!