Let's Unwrap This Xmas Mess Properly.
We BOTH Managed to Ruin Christmas and How It Has Brought Us Back Together.
I feel grounded in the aftermath of an explosive Christmas Night. I should have expected it to unfold the way it did as he was still seething over the way my mind and I alone ruined Christmas Eve and Woke up Christmas Morning with a battered head (not from booze I had stayed sober) and a face like this! *this is my exact morning face on 25.12.24.
Let’s start from the top. Christmas Eve Morning..
My mum came round on the morning of Christmas Eve and dropped us off some goodies including a leg of lamb, a ‘lump’ of cooked beef, presents and gave us some money.
I was delighted mostly over my mum getting to see our baby (dog) Lola in person for a change. After lots of Lola’s kisses all of us was up on a high note. Mum was travelling back home happy, I was unpacking the hamper happy, even Lola was running around the house flicking up her toy and catching it extremely excited and HAPPY. He was out at the ‘gym’ probably fucking happy too. So what happened?
He came home to a bath I had already made for him. (See I can do proper girlfriend shit when I put my mind to it LOL).
Sour faced or rather more like a face that seemed fed up with life. I asked him what’s the matter, he said he was just bored. We were deciding whether to do some last minute shopping and with a few words said about it, I agreed I would go out and do the shopping alone. I was getting my socks and trainers on, looking for my hat and preparing to brace the wind, and rain and more worryingly the fucking PEOPLE who I would have to endure once outside. I didn’t expect what I saw outside and the affect it would have on me afterwards, and for the rest of the day and night.
The first weird thing was that he seemed to be smiling, looking at his phone and had perked up a bit (at the time I thought there was nothing weird about it) but afterwards it clicked in place with the shit that hit the fan. He then started rushing me out of the door with a daft excuse, while he was sitting in the bath still, he said he needed a drink of water. So, because we have a Virgin Pure filtered water system thing in the house, just recently fitted, I thought he meant go fill him a bottle from that.
He insisted that he needed fizzy water instead. Which meant I would need to nip around the corner to the shop before going on to walk into town to do the shops. I moaned a bit about wanting to just get ready and fuck off out to town, but he pestered and hurried me along (I still couldn’t find my hat and was not about to go out with the frizzed up moffle-head that my hair was producing that day exposed).
Yet, he kept pestering me, begging me to hurry up and just go to the corner shop for this drink he is so parched and desperate for. He rushed and rushed and immediately here’s where the Chasey RED FLAG Extra Sensitive and Suspicious Radar switched on and started tuning in.
In the end, I had no choice but to listen and do as he said. What was going through my head was that he was in such a desperate rush to get a phone call in to his ‘slut’ that I would be going out of the house soon and she was to come and fuck him in our bedroom. I know yeah, how do I get that from him wanting fizzy water?
It sounds extreme but it was the sudden chirped-up version of him rushing me out of the house to the corner shop before shopping. The original plan was that the pair of us would be ‘in for the day’ spending quality time together and all that jazz. His shitty mood was making me feel like he wasn’t happy about it.
I jumped to his command nevertheless, and as I was exiting our communal gates I saw this little drawing pin, rat-sized, top-bunned-up borrower bitch, all skinny and petite like the tiniest piece from a Persian Doll set, dickhead of a woman or girl heading towards our gate.
She was dressed all in black with a black apron over her clothes her hair in a bun and the shocked expression of a fucking sex doll - when she came face to face with me she changed direction. I clocked her but ignored it for that first minute. On my way back from the corner shop I see her walking away from ours through the car park speaking on her phone.
Automatically, I knew she shouldn’t still be in the vicinity as she had turned to walk off 4 minutes ago, so why the fuck she still here? When I delivered his water he was now climbing out of the bath - bare in mind he had not long got in it and for you who wouldn’t know this, he usually stays in the bath at least 40 minutes.
I know its mad and ridiculous in my personal opinion. I can last no longer than 15 minutes and that’s with a book to read. I always tease him about sitting in his own shit for so long, he tells me he likes to relax and sweat it out, which rings true because you could boil pasta in the heat of his bath water!
Strange or unusual as that was, I still had to get back out and go shopping as planned. At this point I had resigned myself that some daft slag who he is cheating with would be coming round while I was out of the house. So I did what any other right-minded woman in my situation would do.. no, I didn’t change my mind and stay at home. I just hid away my perfume and tobacco which always seems to get lifted whenever I go out, or at least half of it in handfuls has been ripped out of the packet… and my perfume?.. Well, its gorgeous and I don’t want her spraying it to mask her nasty deep-fat-fried BO arse smell that she usually leaves behind her.
All this is speculative, I believe it but you don’t have to.
I can’t prove it, like he says without proof it’s not true, well back in the day I might have took it upon myself to play Jessica fucking Fletcher in Murder She Wrote, or Miss Marple working out all the finer details and doing the legwork as a have-a-hero homebody accidental detective. But this day and age, I’m just too fucking old and exhausted with this betrayal and bullying shit. I get bullied a lot but his excuse is the way I make him feel by disbelieving in him. He has a point. He says I ‘accuse’ him all the time. I don’t throw out accusations unless I am half certain.
His idea of an accusation is just the ‘paranoid look’ on my face and the fact that I am ‘thinking he is doing those things’. So, now he is the fucking face, feelings and thought police rolled into one. Funny how he can decipher my actual suspicions with just one look on my face. He reads me so accurately like I would read a fucking McDonald’s Saver’s Menu. With immediate hunger, selfish appetite and great ease. The most I do is ask irrelevant questions about the minutia of everyday life, that should not bother him or effect him, if anything just bewilder him. Yet he seems to understand them as loaded questions.
It’s so easy to abuse me. It’s Gaslighting for Dummies - beginners level. It’s so fucking EASY for him to convince everyone, sometimes me included, that I am just paranoid and/or crazy, he isn’t fucking around. He NEVER has! Even though his brother has grassed him up on more than one occasion telling me everything he has been doing in bed with other girls, telling them he loved them too! fuck it.
He is my fucking hero! All these Superpowers and Shit.
It’s fucking amazing how in tune he is with me, especially how far from the truth I am about him, no? hmmm… how can I trust my instinct when I am differently wired and even my own eyes lie (hallucinations) ears lie (voices) and my natural intuition is thwarted by the gatekeeper of (truthful information) I’m already fucked because of my condition of paranoid schizophrenia.
“In my opinion: I don’t accuse him of anything everyday because an accusation involved confrontation, something which I avoid 99% of the time. I question him (like all good detectives are supposed to LOL) but that’s it. Without confrontation or deliberate words there is no accusation. He is not harassed by my suspicions it is him who harasses me for having them.” Chasey Delaney
I went outside and that fuck-off cunting waitress girl was outside again, waiting and circling the area. The same thing occured. She saw me and scuttled off back to the skip she’d come from. Again, when I returned from shopping in town, I caught the arse end of her scurrying off from the direction of our gate back to where I remember first seeing her. The fucking butty (sandwich) show near us. Needless to say, I barged through our front door, was greeted by a stink of sex that smelt like a cross between a packet of Bombay Mix and MY very one HUGO BOSS RED perfume (which surprisingly was no longer ‘hidden’ behind the photo frame but was on the fucking coffee table. Either that dickhead is playing head games on me, or I am fucking right about that barmcake bitch butty making troll of slag. I swear I want to smash her nasty ugly face into one of her bastard grills!!! I am fuming at this point.
So I accused him outright.
The rest of the day was spent with him taking the dog out intermittently for 45 minute walks at a time and me listening to my own magical Xmas music; ‘Santa’s Sad Soundscape Mix’ in my light up headphones that mum bought me from TEMU ( I love them! ) but I felt like such a fool too, making my mascara run as I cried.
Christmas Day (Evening)…
He drank himself stupid and I had red wine and fell asleep early, only to be woken up and lectured on something I had said to him 15 YEARS earlier! 15 fucking years ago.. I was badly verbally abused. Kept my cool but now we are even. I enjoyed being the bigger person, I mean I am the size of a fucking Rugby Player compared to that slaggy girl who is the size of a fucking Sparrow the morals of a Stinky Seagull, no I hadn’t forgotten. I’d just gotten over it. I enjoyed making the decision NOT to shrug him and his morning affections off this time around. I embraced the fact that we can go through so much bad shit and come out cuddling and sucking cock (in the nice way, not the metaphorical) on the other side of it.
As it stands now we are back to normal and looking to start a fresh year by turning a blind eye to what’s happening and giving 2024 the cold shoulder. SO far he has kissed me and apologised and I have served him bubbly chocolate nice and melted on my tits..!!
Here’s to the MERRY new year, WHERE nothing is resolved but fuck it we’ll sing AULD LANG SYNE anyway….xx
