Her Magic Sea!! -23.11.23-
Daft Ramblings of an Ocean....xx
Life; don’t talk to me about life! I’d rather be happy than right any day! -both from Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
It’s not the ocean that cures your cult-regression and self sabotaging nature. It is the nature of your oceans that drowns down the sounds of sadness floating around your seaweed blossom brain when it comes to note, the ocean is the closest to nature that you’ll ever be by reminding one of oneself. No, that’s not a posh untranslatable quote from some classic philosophy book, unless you count the ‘classic’ brain of Chasey - (Miss Unlucky - shadowed by defeat since birth)- whose philosophy is starting to look more and more like business administration.
It’s the wild life behind those dry desert eyes both squinting closed expanding a glance at one’s own toes. The reckless waves teasing feet that don’t meet the body that fall aside from the mind. The ocean of unpredictable regularity is as alone and untamed as the flicker of flame in your heart that’s all but washed out right now. You come to the beach to reconnect with the emptiness of the vast and flowing tides.
You come here to be forgiven by the sea of your treacherous misdemeanours and granted the permission you needed to be rough and ready and relaxed and dangerous. You are the blue slice of life’s glittering liquid sun. If you look harder, closer, longer you will become what you want to ‘sea’.
I am never going to have another day as great as it is today. That's exactly what I say to myself every single day and I mean what I say too. Like today, not worrying about you because I never left I never went away. It wasn’t tough love on you but it was tough luck on me. I make my own luck like you, me and everybody. Now, how do I open my mind to filter the world differently? When I question this: is telling myself something amazing is going to happen today and saying that to myself everyday just me being delusional or could it be toxic positivity?
RAS sits over your brain - coolest thing at my disposal. I can train and change. That’s how I let go of the dreams I had of me being part of you. As long as I am breathing I've got a chance to change the way I think.. to create a new experience in my life. I did change my mind but my heart stayed the same.
I am attracted to the muse who goes through the same shit that I used to do. I talked about this in my quick prose / musing on The Daily Chase newsletter issue called The New Muse! No surprises, there is nothing NEW about the muse. It’s just a new view of the one thing I can’t let go of - the dream. The heart has stayed the same but the REM activity is slightly twisted. I no longer see through those rose tinted glasses. I see directly the same view I saw before. I see something that needs more than understanding. It needs to understand itself.
All of the bullshit in my past has jammed my filter with negativity, clouding my ability to see the Reticular Activity System. My life trained me to do that. I woke the fuck up and realised that I can reclaim my mind, body and spirit to feel how I want it to feel. I still felt you. The experience of life the way I saw it embodied you. I experience you the way I want to - all inclusive of knowing who you think you are and who I wish for you to be to me.
I can love from afar without feeling crazy. I don’t need to show you my crazy anymore. I've been thinking about writing a new poem or a letter directly to you and every time I think about it my mind is clogged with lots of crap, like yours is too. I feel like you had the chance and you showed up in true colours. I saw your underworld rainbow and it didn’t sparkle for me. If I could have added one speck of light to those shades, I think I might have stayed longer.
The fact that I am seeing other people in my mind after you said ‘no room at the Inn for you Chasey, you're too late there's nothing you can do’ my mind would say Chasey you're fucked there's too many people out there doing what you want to do. So, instead of having my brain go look at all these people out here doing this, they're lights on the path that I want to walk down. my mind doesn't see it as positive and my mind doesn't see everyone else as evidence that it's going to work out for me too.
I try to train my brain to wake up every day and say to myself that, because you are in the world with me - or fucking not - everything is going to line up. Fuck this… I say “TODAY I am going to see evidence that shit is working out for me!” and that makes me feel more empowered, I force my own momentum, repetition and discipline. All this and a bag of chips! I’m back!
Thinking about changing my writing isn't going to change it. My continuous action will. I am that annoying friend trying to build myself up…. my own friend biggin me up… I’m like “fuck off Chasey, I want to feel terrible” I just turn my brainn into that friend that is egging myself on. Sometimes, it's really hard to take action when I have a shitty mindset and no activation. It’s without you this technical issue occurs and action is critical. I train my mind back into you. I look for good stuff everyday.
I woke up feeling lost. I got rocked. I feel very disconnected and stuck between two lives. When I looked ahead to the future, I felt so alone. I felt a lost disconnect from the things that made me feel alive and happy. When I'm in that loneliness, without you zone, it can be so overwhelming. I don't want to stay in the place that I'm in right now. But I don’t yet know what I want. I guess, if you know what you don't want it's easier to change.
“If you wanna fly you gotta give up the shit that weighs you down!” - Toni Morrison
What weighs me down is my own self sabotaging, self conscious, low-self esteemed, realist/nihilist self so I need to shove that pussy out of the way and pick myself back up. That’s why I didn’t write to you as the order of the day. I always devoted a lot of energy to following you and your cause yet, despite my outcry - or rather, all the more because of outcries - my love for you curiously lacked punch. A soul-rallying cry it wasn’t. [23.11.23 : happy thanksgiving! ]