THE NEW MUSE ! .x

PROSE & MUSIC MUSINGS 22 -11 -23

I was in a position to dip out of the world of my muse. The muse who was never amused by being a muse in the first place. I thought about running away from my mind for some time because he was always there. One day I thought about the way I was feeling, the lowness of me when I wanted to see him and what was coming back for me. Nobody. Nothing. 

 I had a choice. I made a reckless decision to do the best thing for him. To leave him alone with his disciples and not bother any of them. I went cold turkey off him. I avoided seeing anything he offered to the world outside his digital window. I even thought about staying silent but remaining present which I knew and thought at the time would be a ‘cunt’s trick’. Sneaking about where I’m not wanted. Causing hush hush tones between the flat-line melodies. He never sings our song. 

He knew I could view the VIP sections to his band’s channel, if I still wanted to. I didn’t look at any of his new songs. Not the public ones, not the VIP music that I used to tune into looking for traces of me in lyrics and glimpses of us in his eyes hidden behind the Ray Ban disguise. I had to wean myself away from injecting his life into mine like a facet of new mountain dew time. 

 I feel a connection to this person like he embodies all of which I am healing from. He is the demon in me which I have become something other than and missed for so long. It’s he who is the me who I thought I would be who I was and where I came from.  He is everything that almost killed me but is it me innate? Is it the fate I fucked with all those years ago. Will I spread myself bare and thin across the wet bed sheets if my pillows are the black colour of his deathly stare?

I think I wanted to take the heavenly happiness from my healed veins now and dance with euphoric light alongside this lost soul on the wrong side of the road. Stick my finger into his dick’s eye and twist myself into his dirt. I want to hurt the right way. I want to save myself and raise hell in a sunshine tropical rain forest full of danger and things that will eat me so fucking well.