Its been a while and I feel like I haven’t anything new to report yet this week has been a fucking year and last week was even longer, if not more eventful. It’s like my desk being an absolute mess and a bomb site in the end where everything that wasn’t wanted anywhere else was ‘dumped’ and discarded on there; it all became quite overwhelming and the thought of sorting out all the clutter, books, best bits and all the fucking shit - made my fucking toes curl. The desk stayed stacked to the rafters with all this stuff for over a week, I couldn’t rest even just a cup on the edge of it, let alone lay my laptop down for working on then even the chair - a new nice high-back wooden dining style kitchen chair - was beginning to become full of other such stuff like empty cups, unread ‘emotional support’ books, pens, scissors, headsets, paper and unread utility bills, voting flyers and god knows what else. The chair isn’t even wide enough for much but still got ‘jenga’ stacked up. That was until yesterday, yesterday all my troubles seemed to fuck off far away! LOL
I still judge my luck by having my mum ‘bless me’ when I sneeze and apparently, according to about ten minutes ago, I gage my love life on having a partner who tells me to “sit down” every single time that I go dizzy. haha ! In fact the other day I told him I was dizzy (because I actually was dizzy) at least twice in one hour and was mortified to be completely ignored lol. I’m like.. hey , I’m dizzy.. HELLO I . AM. DIZZY. well , that was my way of apologising for getting angry at him for keeping me on my toes all night.. Passing him things, cooking stuff, and it had nothing to do with me being on my feet all day - I don’t mind, i need it in fact because left to my own devices I can be quite a fucking slob! It was my lackofdick energy catching up with me which made me moody. So, I snapped a little at him, barking and huffing and puffing at each little request. When all I needed to say was FFS MATE give me some head! haha ! I get a bit upset sometimes and it’s always irrational too. Most of the time, I hold myself up like a staunch old bat! That’s why when words get heated, when the disagreements become personal attacks: he doesn’t ever have to hold back. I guess there are plenty of opportunities for me to make him shut up or lay off or stop or hush a bit for me. I could just answer him back when he wants a reaction, instead of ignoring him and applying the ‘silent treatment’ I zoned out most of the time; sometimes my ears prick up at the arseend of a dig at me where I think or consider that I wish to respond or have the perfect comeback comment to say but because I haven’t heard properly, I can’t respond without asking him what he just said. Anyone who knows my man, knows that he says a million words to make one short two word snide remark. I could never be arsed with listening to all that shit, so, I don’t risk it. Then there are times where I should in fact be hurt by the stuff he spouts at me in anger (words and insults) I do get hurt a bit but instead of showing that hurt.. I put on a stiff upper lip and flip it back at him without saying a word. I miss the ship and start crying and shit.
Then three hours later it re-hits me and I crumble. I creep around, moping about and by then we have already had two meals, six giggles, a bath a piece, made plans again, talked about life, love, everything. Said we love each other a dozen times, hugged and on the odd occasion had a long 5 minute fuck lOl and then suddenly he is confused to why I’m sulking, why I side eye him and tears come from my eyes. It’s daft really because then I have to say, “apologise” and he has no idea what for.. I won’t even remind him because he will most likely recreate the scenario of what was said and why and in what sequence as if he were telling somebody who wasn’t there when it happened. I can’t stick that shit. I have no patience. Bless him. I just say… “apologise” and he says why? so , I say “ you know..!” and he does know.. Nothing exactly. Just enough about me to know that something earlier must have hit a nerve and I didn’t know it until this moment.. I get post traumatic sex disorder… all my feelings after sex come out as mush. Like, it brings the pain to the surface. I just melt after a heavy sesh in bed. Like, no longer am I this big bad hard faced cow. I regress badly. You ever want to make me FEEL anything… give me cock, a kiss or caress and cuddle.. Ten minutes later I will see the error of mine or your ways. He knows me so fucking well. Like today after a huge (boozy - for him) hungry - for me , argument; he told me to turn the TV up in my room (its for the dog so she doesn't bark at stupid city sounds) he was in the bed and she was sleeping at the bottom with him. He hates noise and light when he sleeps. Hence, why I had to turn the TV up in my room. He asked, what number is the volume level at? I said 11 he said turn it to 13 - immediately we both said NO.. 14. He said to me, I know why you don’t put it on 13 you know. I said ‘how do you know!?’ He said, I know you inside out. You won’t put the volume on 13 because of your Nana. (He was right.. It’s a personal thing but yeah). He surprises me that way. I kissed him while he was sleeping, until he jumped out of his skin and grabbed my shoulders screaming, now he is back to being the biggest ‘FUCKING DICKHEAD’ in my mind again! LOL I’m quite a cunt. It’s not his fault I scared him. Poor bloke. Sleeping soundly then waking up to a fat, hanging face, kissing him with smokey breath, looming over him in the dark like a silhouette of fucking MISERY. pmsl …. x
The moral of this ‘story’.. Is I never know how to feel from one minute to the next but as long as I can still FEEL I will love him and my world and my life, so WHY WORRY!x