Thursday- [29.02.24]-ANCHOR ME TO REALITY...please⚓
THINKING THURSDAY'S 'ESSAY' LETTER UPDATE! What's Been On My Mind!? - losing my sanity, gaslight-paranoia, infidelity & LOVE.
Dear Chasers!💗
We are all writing, or trying to write and rewrite and sometimes erase chapters or develop new and old characters in the story of our life.
I like to hope that we all need to know what it’s all ‘about’ and more importantly - so it’s not just me on my own wondering around like a clueless cunt - lots of us if not all of us need to have some idea of where the fuck our lives are going.
We notice running themes and hope that the best theme is the right one, the main one the foundations for building the right character arc. With me the theme of infidelity has been the ruler of my life and is constantly on the rise.
In this letter I demand of myself to work this shit out and look to find something deeper than just cheating and betrayal as a theme. I hope to lead myself through it to one more meaningful purpose, to figure out how to endure the constant pain of repeated paranoid, suspicion and delusions of persecution that keeps on haunting me because I haven’t yet ever learned the lessons attached.
Obviously, Rome wasn’t built in a day, I was born at night not last night - I know I’m not going to uncover any nuggets of gold and push away all of those dark clouds which have been looming over my head for 30+ years now to reveal the fucking violet iridescent moon-rainbow that I have also been dreaming of most of my adult life (as a sideline to the depressive, nihilism, sensory-overloaded, depravity of delusional paranoid schizophrenic fucking imaginative - dark magical thinking). A behavioural lifestyle that has become the bane of my existence and distrust has become me. What will become of me!?
I have become a prisoner and puppet to my thoughts. I am stuck in a world where intuition is nothing more than manipulative coercion from my own mind to my soul and I am childlike in that I am totally fucked, and have been from beginning and hopefully not to the end.
My trouble and failure is that I believe everything that I think, I think my thoughts are always true or are my ‘gut instinct’ - there to be listened to - I act on those thoughts and emotions and speak my ‘truth’ which ends in arguments and accusations and confusion causing introspection beyond external speculation.
We all want to know where our lives are heading in some way, shape or form; not to ruin the ending, but to make sure, or try to prevent, or have some control over or knowledge about the ending being more than just shallow or shit in my case unnecessarily heartbreaking. I have to share my thoughts with strangers especially when I am unable to trust my loved ones or risk saying the wrong things because I cannot trust or talk any sense to myself.
I lead a very miserable internal life when it comes to comfort, trust and love. I am obsessively still in love with my partner and our level of toxicity in our relationship is probably generated mostly by my inability to believe in anything positive or that I am good enough to be wanted.
I am incapable of knowing and owning my own worth. I have low self esteem and although I try sometimes I somehow only seem to accept that I get exactly what I ‘deserve’ all of everything except three important, necessary needs, wants and things; I will never get because I don’t deserve - peace, love and happiness.
I can only throw out my reserves of each one on everyone I love and know and to total strangers who I don’t and dogs who deserve every inch of my soul and all animals who deserve more than I have to give, who I would give the world to and overall I get hurt.
I thought I could discuss the happenings of recent days and things on my mind and it’s not the right time. These thoughts and feelings are still percolating (as in ,coffee, not the weather in the vagina!) I had to google the spelling and was surprised and confused - in charming sense..as opposed to being afraid. I will continue this letter of musing (rather than exploration and explaining as planned). I am not ready to offload yet. For now I wish to thank my new and veteran subscribers - who I love to cherish and address as beautiful (and bad! (in a cool way!) Chasers!). Thank you - for being here now with me and waiting patiently for me to come back with something worth reading and coming back for - some personal wisdom. From fears come misconceptions - obvious questions don’t have obvious answers. Until next time.
- Apologies for the ramble and he half arsed ‘essay’ - I had to cut off short. my mind, my heart is not quite developed enough to express the substance I wish to discus. Also I am between a rock and a hard place right now. thank you for your time. x
YOUR’s Forever Unchartered, …Chasey Delaney! x
ANCHOR ME TO REALITY - just something to think about.
“when he anchors me to reality - my imagination overturns hope like a shipwrecked heart on open seas, then in the stillness of love I am saved by the wind beneath the breeze.” - a half poem half quote by Me. Chasey.
Thank you for Thinking w/ Me Again! I shall leave you with our EXIT SONG this evening… ooft..x RIFTS & KISSES x
Let’s Think about MAINTAINING SANITY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS for a bit.. Sending you ALL of My love … and basically the best of me now convinced-ish (almost) with it.. I promise that I am not as paranoid as I come across💗(or am I hmmn?? lol) 💗💗💗 THANK YOU FOR READING MY HEART STRINGS .xxxxxxx
