-The World Outside: Memento Music Memories & Missives..x -

30 November 2024

Nov 30, 2024

Movie Quote:

“I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. Do I believe the world's still there? Is it still out there?... Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different.”

- Leonard Shelby

30 November 2024

- The Last Day For The First Time …

I’d like to talk about someone I used to love so fiercely that I went insane on top of the edge of an already sliding slope of insanity. I wanted to marry that man. I thought he might save me. The thing is this: I struggle to remember the finer details. All that I know is that what I thought was a relationship was not. What I was forging for was a double-edged sword. I should have seen the red flags flying half mast because his beautiful eyes softened the blow of the highest truth.

***100th Window - Massive Attack (Full Album)

1×

0:00

-1:25:13

I saw him as a man in pain looking back at my face, fucked up, desperate for him, wanting to belong to someone, be something more than whatever I was, had become. I was (and still probably am to him) the produce of too much of everything. A mess from excess; pills,skunk,MDMA,cocaine, KET,speed, and the most dangerous drug of all… fucking sex & LOVE (gone wrong). Tits up, I loved the way he fucked me. I felt safe. I felt unwanted which is what I was used to, it’s all I ever knew, it was comfortable. Too good to be true. I would have loved him forever, without him giving much back. He is the best thing I never had as a matter of fact. GOD works in mysterious ways. He’s a bit of arsehole now so maybe he was given a reprieve, a chance to change, a gift (losing himself from my love, my grip, my bullshit.. God’s Gift to a him) but I guess he must have ‘fucked it’. He seems to have lost his touch.

***A Winter Romance - Dean Martin

1×

0:00

-3:01

I was attracted to his intelligence and his smoking good looks. Unfortunately, for the both of us, I had a few brains cells still in order, still functioning for my own good. I always sensed the veil between us. He got his arse down on one knee in front of a random church (which he told me was the one his parents married in) or some sort of made up romantic nostalgia.. story line. I loved the effort in that. I didn’t care about authenticity. I was about the moment, lost in the moment and thought it was him and I forever. Believed we were modelling our memories for the future. Moulding ourselves together. Weaving wistful tales to tell our children’s children.. hang on.!

***Johnny Guitar - Peggy Lee

1×

0:00

-3:01

…OH NO!

I have strict instructions from his Mummy.,, Not to give her any Ginger Grandchildren LOL :( That was the only red flag I had paid attention to and saw for what it was. I decided to accept the challenge, ignored the ‘subliminal warning’ thrown caution to the wind and dressed it up as a “test”

I hoped it would prove as a symbol of his love for me to see if he would choose us, ‘us’ meaning, in my fucked up fantasy imagination he would love me enough to not give me up. To love ‘us’ enough, himself, our relationship, our future ginger-babies and me, to ask forgiveness from his beloved Mother as opposed to seek permission. He wanted neither or no such thing. I was pure wounded and it was just another mad axe to the manifestation of schizophrenia in my skull, somethings when broken really do need fixing my soul had been leaking out so fast, and, without being caught, evaporated.

***Liebesträume - Franz Liszt

1×

0:00

-4:55

I think he has the perfect family surroundings and there I would never fit in. I respect him and love him (each to their own) and even his postmodern mum, I thought was adorable on all other levels, lovely in social matters, funny, warm, tiny, pretty, sweet and cute, attractive and bubbly, strong yet slightly synthetic towards our relationship) she was sympathetic towards me and in her smile and her cute little eyes - I could see she was only humouring me and aiming to please her son who was grieving. I might have been with him during his hoe phase, slut phase came after me! ;)

I loved that he has a Mum who loves him in a way I had never witnessed before. I didn’t understand that kind of maternal love much and I still don’t now. All I know is that I had to watch her to understand her son. He was a dark horse. He was so fucking gorgeous and a bit of an arrogant twat.

***I Get Along Without You Very Well - Chet Baker

1×

0:00

-2:59

***Distractions - Tindersticks (Full Album)

1×

0:00

-46:47

I set out to disprove my first impression of him which was ‘arrogant’ (which in my mind means misconstrued, or misguided confidence) like overly self-assured without the goods to back it up. I always wanted to see that it WAS real confidence.
He could back that confidence up, I believed in him. I Still do.

Even now when I remember him, all I can see is his hair, his face, beautiful, beautiful faded foggy images of a fit and twisted man-boy. IN all honesty I didn’t try to remember his face much. I always saw his cock. I can’t remember what balls he’s got. I have a thing about big saggy (or tight) balls. I love em. I’m the female version of a tit man. “I like big balls and I cannot lie”.

***Let’s Pretend - Tindersticks

1×

0:00

-3:22

I wish he had loved me, I wish he had trusted me, believed in me, wanted me like I needed, wanted, cherished him. Fuck him. He lost weight and got with some dickhead skater chic, shagged his way through his mates, young, old and also stuck up high maintenance. He fucked above his station and look where it got him! Where?

***The End of A Love Affair - Billie Holiday

1×

0:00

-4:52

Our Engagement, our LOVE was a Work Of Art.

“I guess he dodged a bullet. I am that bullet. I would have lodged myself into his life with love and loyalty and longevity and LOCO. It’s CRAZY ….!! “

QUOTE by Chasey Delaney

MAYBE I DODGED A BULLET TOO. HE HAS SO MUCH CONTEMPT FOR ME IN ALL THOSE LOVELY MEMORIES I HAVE IN MY HEAD. AS DUSTY AND FADED WE BOTH GET, WE NEVER HAD A GRASP OF REALITY. I’D BE SURPRISED IF HE KNEW WHO I WAS IF IT WASN’T FOR DIVINE ‘MEMENTO’ INTERVENTION !