🎧The Bullet-Proof Bed Writer! + Inspired by 2 Brilliant Posts from: Supernova
9 DEC.2024: Proving to myself that 'You Can't Do This' = 'Yes! I Fucking Can'
🎧 Listen to the main part here…x
Hello Everyone!
This newsletter is the first instalment from me after a slight hiatus (and still not being able to manage my demons on a daily basis to provide you with DAILY updates as I intended). It’s a mish-mash of topics. Including:
Content Warning: Mention of Class A drug use*
My comments on another writer’s post.
A Voice-over to overcome the personal issues discussed today.
Same with a short INTRO video clip.
Embedded 2.5 hour MIXTAPE made by me + Links to follow me.
*nothing to write home about just a bit of Chasey’s-Way ‘click bait’ :) LOL
I fucking love this post:
It’s so cool... and has inspired this response blog….!
I might have missed the mark completely in my response here (which is why I decided not to drop it in the comments!). I am just getting back into reading blogs and this is one of my recommended newsletters I implore you to get on board and sign up! I swear I aspire to be THIS LEVEL AWESOME with my work one day soon. I hope to live long enough and learn from publications like Supernova to become a better writer as opposed to my current status of.. amateur (not ambitious) enthusiastic (not educated, or experienced) gritty (not good) person who fucking writes a bit.
What are your thoughts on this interesting question?
Head over to SUPERNOVA leave a comment, show some love and share.
“Remember by the time I got into the meat and bones of my response I had almost forgotten the initial question, started doubting myself and went off on a wee tangent! Heads Up: you NEED to read the main post BEFORE and AFTER this to get the full picture of this ‘conversation’ and a BETTER take on everything, as opposed to all of this, my warblings on my shit!” - HEADS UP FROM CHASEY
I was inspired to reply with this:
I cook in the same way I walk to places (doing it extremely quickly, erratically, anxiously and just to serve a purpose, i.e. to get me from A to B or to feed myself respectively). I can relate to the idea, but on the other side of the room. Consuming the meal is where I consider similarities to my writing process.
Sitting down to eat is stimulating and is as satisfying as writing (or preparing to write) is to my soul. For me, eating and writing were my top two means for instant gratification (since halting my use of cocaine!) I am soon to be changing that 'unsavoury' mindset (regarding food/eating). “Turning Over A New Plate” so to speak!
I am just starting the carnivore diet (again), eating for fuel as opposed to comfort eating, or as an enjoyable activity. It is lovely but more healthy and more of a lifestyle than a diet (and already I'm missing my culinary kicks!) but this is much better.
Still, my brain feels starved while my mind is 'cooking up a storm' It's a humming hive of creativity. I’m just struggling with existential conflict of interest oscillating between self-love and self-loathing, being worthy of my place in the world, being a good enough person, masking the bad side of me. Who the fuck am I?
I want to do YouTube videos - I can’t because I hate my face, my mouth makes strange shapes when I talk. I want to do podcasts - I can’t because I hate my shit voice when I talk and my lack of information, authority and confidence in my limited level of knowledge. (I hate knowing how boring I am). I want to write daily - I can’t write when I feel upset and pissed off about myself. How can I write from the soul when I am ‘dead inside’?? You know all these 1st world problems!!!
*Update: I did manage to overcome my issues or rebel slightly after being told I can’t do something.. I did it in spite (of him and myself) in fact I used his 'lack of encouragement’ let us call it, as fucking CONTENT MATERIAL for this new ‘video intro’ (above) whilst attempting to tackle to both ‘tricky-ego-crushing’ creative outlet project ideas, video/podcast, both at once, in small steps.
I know that we're all going through this shit. I know I am not alone and that’s what keeps me writing and creating in my head, keeping it above water. Every day, from the comfort of my bed, I am grappling with the urge to jump into a big Black Hole but only AFTER putting my words out into the world.
The Bullet-Proof Bed Writer…
..which again was put into my mind by reading another Supernova post (check it out below)..
Thanks for reading my comments.
Well, it seemed a shame to waste the half-written, hankered after words of participation, as a symbol of my appreciation for the original post. My full reply here has given me joy and a sense of purpose. Simple minds are easily pleased and all that buff. No, I really needed something to help drag me out of the gutter of my own thoughts and emptiness. I am slightly relieved that I didn’t leave it in the comments section because that would have not been beneficial to my ‘image’ - it would only prove what a weirdo I am. I don’t mind being weird in my little corner of the universe. I made a mix of the same name. The Universe Is Calling. Available on SoundCloud if you should wish to follow have a listen below..x
On further analysis…
While we are on the topic of cooking and writing. Something happened to me just this second ago. I was preparing to record the voice over and read this newsletter to you. I wanted the acoustics to be just a bit better than usual so I set my ‘stall’ up on the hallway cabinet with the laptop on left open. I was standing over it when my partner casually came in from walking the dog and started looking over my shoulder at the screen.
My reaction was horribly surprising (even to me) I felt my face burn up bright red with embarrassment, my fingers and thumb began twitching in urgency and the anxiety coupled with annoyance came over me in one fail swoop (or whatever that saying is fall, fail, something else..? ! whatever) and I insisted he look away quickly covering the screen with my hand before slamming the lid shut.
His face was a picture.. jaw dropped wide open. Anyone would think I’d been caught watching porn, except him because he knows I’m not ashamed or embarrassed about the porn I watch…
…OK, I did just tell a lie; now that I think about it there are of course a few of preferences/ desires / turn on stuff that is of the more slightly cringeworthy variety. He’s seen them all too, and the out-cums too, I feel like I should be transparent now I’ve had the balls to come out and talk about this. My recent video searches:
Small Dick
Sissy Public
Prostrate Wanking
Pissing Exhibitionist
Yeah, Not my best suit. The point is this… I was more pissed off about him looking over my shoulder to read my unpublished, nondescript newsletter (which is subscribed to already!) than under much different, more understandable, logical situations.
The cooking reference?
I had to explain to him that with an analogy of how I feel when he looks at my work in progress. It came to me instantly that he fucking HATES it when he is busy cooking in the kitchen and I wander in to check in on him. Pick up a spoon, stand over his shoulder, or if he’s not near enough; I start looking at it, stirring it and maybe GOD FORBID taste it! It’s exactly the same.. so, after a full newsletter. This is the simularity that have come to. Thank you to Warren Brown’s post on Supernova (my current FAVOURITE / highly reccommended newsleter).