** ShaKe OFF a Squirrel's DAZE**

THANK YOU: Morning - Noon - & Night.. [29 October 2024]

NOT grumpy - Just Bitch-Facing while making the most of a lingering frivolous daydream.

This Morning:

I stood by the window and watched a gorgeous squirrel run across the neighbouring garden, through our garden and across the patio, over the lawn and into another garden nearby. It raced around in search of an appropriate exit, it looked hurried and frantic, not there to stay for long.

Normally it will sit on the ledge and eat the bird feed. Although it hadn’t seen me, at least to my knowledge, it held a sense of urgency and suspicion for it’s safety in the surroundings. It ran towards the brick wall and tried its luck at hurdling up and over the top of it. Missing a grip for his back foot it slipped, span around and did this twice more before it reached the top. It took one last look over its shoulder then off it popped.

- There should be a moral or lesson from this encounter yet all I could think of was, I really do have ‘a lot of time on my hands’ (maybe I should use it wisely?) and I learnt that I still have the ability to notice beauty in mundanity - or maybe that I’m just a nosey old bastard who should be minding her business and concentrate on hyperfocusing on other such things; instead of fulfilling the typical common stereotype of people like me who might have….. ‘oh a squirrel!’

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This Afternoon:

I went out of the house to buy a small amount of groceries. I had £30 to buy meals for the two of us. I came back with toiletries, dog toys, birthday ‘stocking-fillers’ and a birthday card (for my mum, from our dog!), cleaning products, Yorkshire Teabags (for him) and a big warm bottle of pop. The fizzy stuff isn’t half as good as the proper stuff that I was supposed to be buying for us.

I mean, I was suffering some sort of short-term amnesia until I got to my front door and realised I had made a major mistake - we had no other money, nothing to eat, no way of sourcing anything else. How could I have done this!? Coming home with NOT one fucking scratch of food, (and even more importantly* no coffee (for me) *subjectively speaking) I was ashamed and frightened of his quite appropriate and understandable bad reaction.

It DID happen and I knew that I deserved it. Nothing was different or unexpected. After the last stages of the verbal ‘blasting’ (which was subsequently followed with an apology which I didn’t deserve), my ears felt like they were bleeding and my head rattled like the hinges on the bathroom door, as he marched in and out of there (running a bath in his rage) and I wanted to disappear into thin air just like he made the cobwebs do that used to ‘decorate’ the doorway, they disintegrated and finally got blown off after too many times the door got slammed. I felt selfishly ‘mortified’ by his lack of ‘compassion’ during such time and accurately ashamed and embarrassed by my own fucked up actions at this time.

To make matters worse, unbeknown to me at this point (along with everything else I was unaware of, like the world, my own reality and the fact that I was breathing heavily) - I’d actually forgotten that we needed toilet paper (and I’d not bought any of that either!!). Nothing to wipe your arse on is the hardest blow, and the lowest you can feel, its a bit rock bottom and sad day when it happens yet, it always does seem to be a recurring theme in our house for whatever occurrence.

We did rectify this problem and the food issue too by borrowing another £20 to get us through until payday. It was an extra unnecessary cost to us. I wish that I could say this is a one-off incident. It’s not. I do this every three or four months, out of blue, and I have no excuse or explanation for how this happens. It’s easy for anyone to say ‘well you must have knew what you were doing when you were doing it’ I didn’t. I didn’t have any idea of the consequences, I believed I was spending a fraction of my budget, and that this was just a little diversion or add-on to the shopping list. I still wanted to buy us meals and shit. I hadn’t eaten, my coffee had ran out, I’d only had one cup so far today.

I had all intention of proceeding back to the plan of action once a ‘couple of things from another store were picked up’ then I get to the till, people waiting in line behind me, I see the bill total racking up toward the top end of what cash I had in my pocket. Even to the point where I shit myself and say “STOP!” The sad story is that there were still one or two things in my basket that I had to leave at the shop.“Sorry, can I you put those back please I’ve changed my mind”.

I think they realised I couldn’t afford to buy them by their knowing yet unsympathetic semi-averted glare as they ‘despair’ the extra workload of dropping the products behind the conveyor belt, ‘not-my-job’ eyes roll and forced fake smiles.

I pretend not to be phased but in reality I am relieved that I hadn’t been brave enough to have stopped half way through the basket. That my greed had gotten the better of me, ‘but I really need two disinfectants and they’re only 55p each’ or ‘awe, oh but I love that pink nail varnish and my pale blue one at home is almost finished, what’s left of it has gone all sticky’.

Also, I can feel the sting of impatience tickling the back of my neck from the line of people behind me as their irritation from waiting rises, maybe partly my imagination but my cheeks burn too.

The reason I share this simple thing in this piece is that my cognitive functions are failing to function at all. I dipped back into the misty blue of impulsive dissociative anxiety.

This Evening:

I freaked out when I saw blood in my puke. He reassured me it was just food, no blood. We all sat quiet. Taking turns not to cry.

I wish I had bottled all this worry and fear up long enough to look like I’d been totally strong.

He held me in his arms. He didn’t squeeze too tight. I tried not to cling on too long. Everything has to be alright.

It feels like now that I might be ‘dead woman walking’ He is protecting his heart by disassociating. He doesn’t usually have any disorders, nothing noticed, declared or diagnosed, he has no mental illness but then again - I think as humans we are all so capable of those.

He has always kept his emotions to himself but right now, I feel his ‘cold’ more ‘icy’ than ever. I guess I need him closer to make the most of whatever I am NOT supposed to be talking about EVER., It feels like he is distancing himself in preparation for. . . ‘Oh, LOOK!!.. I wish there was a squirrel’

Tonight Now:

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