Recently...& Reality!!
<3:-->> Tuesday 14 November 2023
Hello Everyone! If you are new here WELCOME and if you’ve been here before then a huge adorable WELCOME BACK! I really want to let you know upfront, if or when you heart, restack or subscribe, that I appreciate you! THANK YOU in advance! xx
Dear Chasers! Recently….
Hello! I’m so sorry that I didn’t manage to get Monday’s newsletter out. I have been feeling a little depressed and was kind of convinced that the nurse hadn’t administered my medication correctly because it wasn’t working, it doesn’t feel like my low mood has improved. I am still struggling to gain momentum without anger rising, without my attention and focus drying up or drying out in a deep depressive state. If you know me you’ll know that once medicated I can actually be a ‘ray of annoying sunshine’ to anybody’s most miserable day. It’s almost that I am out of reality because everyone around me feels shit or fed up and there’s me singing and dancing, chirpy as fuck, content in my own little bubble. I often wonder who’s reality is the real one.
I know a little about it being perception and perspectives. I also tried reading a book about reality and the cosmos but it wrecked my head that nothing was sinking in. The book itself was fascinating and easy enough to understand - the big scientific stuff was explained on a level I could actually fathom. I would turn the page and everything I just read would be gone. I’d have no clue about anything. It felt like I hadn’t read it at all and that’s what disheartened me. So, I never got to find out about what reality really is.
Speaking of reality and what’s real or not, fabricated or enhanced. I fell off the wagon this week. I am trying to quit a bad habit of spending all my money on cocaine. I don’t have it often but I have been binge buying in bulk (not big bulk just 6 grams per night) a couple of times a month. I am not a rich person and cannot afford this amount. I’m not addicted -psychologically or otherwise. Its the temptation to splurge on some when I have no money at all and have a good night then pay for it later when I’m paid. I hadn’t bought it for weeks and months even.
I still had a backlog of debt to pay off and was right behind the finishing line where I’d have paid up and could spend my money on other stuff like living a decent life, not having to worry about food and heating, maybe buy some clothing and at the very least not having to get caught short for toilet paper to wipe my arse on! Things are desperate in our house. That’s why I call it the Sadhouse. It’s not usually us that are sad, its the way we make ourselves live and that struggle can create fiction between two people who really do still love each other.
I complained this morning at 8:00 am still awake and sniffing lines. I said to my partner that we don’t have the ‘magic sex’ that we have had with other people in the past. I started analysing our almost fourteen year relationship (that, I keep thinking is fifteen years!) we met in 2010 so just about thirteen but that’s not a number I wish to acknowledge.
I considered that when we met he wasn’t as physically attracted to me as anyone else I’ve even been with before. He was never as horny as I was used to. He told me he has a low sex drive but that didn’t deter me. He explained that he is a stresshead and when cortisol is released into a man’s body it decreases their libido. I didn’t believe that was the cause back then and will never believe it now. Even when he isn’t stressed theirs a bit of magic missing.
I can blame my looks and body shape now. Ten years ago I looked better, was half my body weight and had a bit of youth left on my side, He wasn’t into me in that way. He denies it. We fell deep in love and that is something that can’t be bottled. We do have magic in our life just not in the sexual intimate way. I used to struggle with this as I also have hypersexuality which is still present and that’s why I sometimes question our compatibility. I only want sex with him nobody else and its just so frustrating.
He sat me down when I began my comedown which always involves some ‘negative thinking’ and ‘questioning’ and he explained that we are soulmates, we love each other, we are getting old and will die together soon, so I must focus on what I do have not what I don’t. He blamed the sniff for the sex being ‘off’ as I call it. He thinks I’m blaming him and thinking its all about me. He said he enjoyed the sex we just had - there was evidence sort of.
To be honest, he had me at ‘soulmate’ and I slept soundly for seven hours. Woke up with ‘cornflakes’ colour crust around my right nostril and a banging headache. I felt happier than I have these past few days, even with the guilt of buying that shit again, hanging around my neck. I sat down and wrote this out for you and the rest is a mystery…. or the rest is history as they say. x
Thank you for sticking with me “thus far” and I hope you enjoy the little bits below…<3 Bye..! xx
Recently… I Recorded A Poem (for you!)
Louise Gluck - Mock Orange - Poetry Foundation
Recently…. Recommended Books
The Raven Boys - This is apparently marketed as a YA (young adult) book and is part of a series (four books). This is the first one and I liked the premise which is about about a girl from a family of clairvoyants, the boys she befriends, and how their lives are intertwined along their journey to wake a slumbering king. The writing in this book is spectacular it feels less like a younger person’s narration. I prefer adult books and don’t get much reading done so I thought hmm maybe I am punching above my station, maybe with my lack of education, maybe I should try this odd marketing genre, and I did. I like it its cosy but I’m not excited about finishing it. I will read some more and then decide if I want to read the whole book, never mind the complete series. I don’t think I would go that far because I am so inconsistent in life and my reading life is just the same. If you like YA books and autumnal vibes and spooky themes written in a quirky and concise way then why not try this book. By the way this book series is over a decade old and people are still recommending it to read.
This book is a WW II epic of escape and endurance the tag line says. We Die Alone recounts one of the most exciting escape stories to emerge from the challenges and miseries of World War II. In March 1943, a team of expatriate Norwegian commandos sailed from northern England for Nazi-occupied arctic Norway to organise and supply the Norwegian resistance. But they were betrayed and the Nazis ambushed them. Only one man survived--Jan Baalsrud. This is the incredible and gripping story of his escape. Frostbitten and snowblind, pursued by the Nazis, he dragged himself on until he reached a small arctic village. He was near death, delirious, and a virtual cripple. But the villagers, at mortal risk to themselves, were determined to save him, and--through impossible feats--they did.We Die Alone is an astonishing true story of heroism and endurance. Like Slavomir Rawicz's The Long Walk, it is also an unforgettable portrait of the determination of the human spirit. I am attracted to this story, written by the author, detailing a man’s personal account with evidence from various people involved. I absolutely love One Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl and think this book will hold similar survival wisdom and emotion. I have read a couple of pages and can’t wait to read more.
Nina Riggs received her MFA in poetry in 2004 and published a book of poems, Lucky, Lucky, in 2009. She wrote about life with metastatic breast cancer on her blog, Suspicious Country; her recent work has appeared in The Washington Post and The New York Times. She lived with her husband and sons and dogs in Greensboro, North Carolina. She is the author of The Bright Hour - A Memoir of Living and Dying. I know, I know...a book about dying is a hard sell. This is not a book about dying though, so much as it is a distillation of all that is beautiful about living. I sobbed, actually sobbed with grief, when the book ended because I felt so keenly the loss of this amazingly gifted writer and human being. Then I rushed to tell all my friends to read it.This is a memoir of writer Nina Riggs's battle with breast cancer which she finished only weeks before she passed away in February 2017. It is achingly, beautifully written. It is sad without being self-pitying. She wows you with her humour and her intelligence. I felt like I was going through the journey with her and I feel deeply sad that it ended as it did. It's a book that makes you feel that you need to really appreciate and live every moment to the fullest. It's quite lovely.
Recently… Received Gifts
So..? Original. So..? Kiss Me. So..? Sinful miniature perfumes (from ‘back in the day’). My mum bought this gift set for me as “an item to put on your desk!” she knows how much I love perfume. I didn’t realise that I was probably dabbling in my own form of aromatherapy until people started to notice my frequent spraying of perfume, even when I wasn’t going anywhere and how often I would reapply it. I also have a tendency or quirk of spraying it directly in my own face with my eyes closed and on my hands. Soon, it became apparent to me and everyone else that I was using the fragrance to lift my mood as opposed to just smelling nice. I try not to overuse it in case I find myself having to go out to the shop or something. I had a ‘incident’ once when I went to the local shop and my friend behind the counter ended up having a sneezing and coughing fit because my stink had irritated their nose! Mortified. ;-) The other item is obviously an hourglass egg timer contraption. I use this to time myself when writing my ‘morning pages’ which to me are my ‘midnight pages’ with pen and ink in my journal type notebooks. I know there are timers everywhere. I have a huge digital clock now on my desk (that was another gift from mum) and I used to use timer videos from YouTube too, but I don’t want any distractions from devices, not even a clock, during my writing time. I even pick the egg timer up take it into the bedroom with my pen and paper and leave everything else behind. So, it’s just me, my mind, my words and time.
Recently… Started (& Cheated on) My Carnivore Diet
My partner is obsessed with the carnivore diet and I thought I would give it a try again. I tried once or twice in the past and struggled with it. We bought this lot of 80 steaks for roughly £240 which is cheaper than it would be in all major supermarkets. Plus, this is off The Fat Butcher and is really good quality meat. I say we’ve cheated because after three weeks on just meat and dairy, we had a few treats or cheats. I was craving curry - veg. biryani to be precise - and he just craved fried chicken and kebabs. I highly recommend this butchers if you live in the UK he sends his meat out by DPD couriers nationwide. It always arrives fresh and packed with cooling bags of ice. In the video from The Fat Butcher channel on YouTube you get to see the way they pack their meat. Have a look around the channel at all the different ‘hampers’ they make.
Recently… Re-Discovered Podcast
Poetry Says with host Alice Allan - Check it out ..!!
Recently… Found YouTube Channel & AWESOME VIDEO
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOOKING THROUGH THIS WITH ME>…XX I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE WITH OR WITHOUT SEEING YOUR <3 HEARTS - click like if you like ! xx
