Oops**INTRUSIVE PAUSE**I Did It Again!
OBSERVATIONAL PROSE BY WAY OF EXPLANATION FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH HAVING A WOBBLE AND ME TAKING A SHORT PAUSE IN PLANS FOR A REST.
3 JUNE 2024.
Awright!? ..o_0..
It occurred to me that up until walking through the shopping centre today trying to change lanes to get out the automatic doors away from the wheelchaired woman smoking a spliff with a very hairy face - the woman not the spliff - I can’t imagine a spliff with a hairy face on it but I bet I’ve seen a few the last time I smoked one. I got through the other door which were double doors so no harm caused, probably were a better choice wouldn’t need to twist my body and bags to navigate the gap before they start closing in again almost trapping my arse.
I overheard a conversation from a guy sitting on the floor who had just drained a tall black can of something that looked stronger than my own black can of Dnb (Dandelion & Burdock). He was shouting across at the wheelchair smoker, taking notice of him toking and exhaling heavily in the direction I was still going, I caught the arse end of him saying “No love don’t let anyone take the piss out of you..” and I though for a second ‘OMG does he know what I was thinking about her being in my fucking way and noticing her hairy face and feeling overly guilty for thinking same things…’
No. He was informing her how the whole world has gone to pot, not a pot to piss in (she had plenty in that rolled up rizla right enough) and “there’s just no money left for us in the world”. I thought well get up off the floor for a start, I bet you’ve got more chump change in that paper cup than I’ve got in digits over two bank accounts yer cunt”. Then I realised, it was me who was being a cunt. The intrusive thoughts were back. The judgemental crap that always comes back to haunt me.
I went home and started reading for the first time in a long while: A fucking refence type endeavour with the aim to ‘fixing my brain’ in some way by DIY word ingestion. An old (as in been on my shelf longer than the shelf itself!) *Self Help Book. Called: CURE (A Journey Into The Science of Mind Over Body) By Jo Marchant. I am running a hot bath now as we speak, it has been hours since I started to read (so far completely the acknowledgement page and the first sentence, but in my eyes carrying the book around with me it being held in my hand all day, is a good way into the starting process and will soon commence in time to make an actual difference!). I am taking a day off from all other endeavours:
CHASE (memoir) The Unfinished Manuscript ( THE END CHAPTERS 6-7 and BONUS NOTES)
FREEDOM WORD PROMPT
STORMY CORNER IMAGE PROMPT
Anything else that I had in mind for the night ahead and all the above is on hold for maybe just tonight or for another day. I am alright. I’m okay. I tried to recite the final pages in the draft mock up book but it just seemed to grate on me, also slightly uncomfortable recording that stuff with my partner around the house if you know what I mean. I will leave you in peace for at least this evening, I hope to be reading really and not just “reading” as in watching Booktube with a fucking book in my hand feeling accomplished.