Not Every Day's A Winner Baby.

Some personal pieces, Self Care Song Choice, Short Audio Message.

28 May 2024:

**A huge thank you for opening this letter and coming here to see me. today has been hard and a quiet need to reflect and sleep, I need lots of sleep right now**

WRITING FOR NO ONE

It’s past midnight now and I’ve missed my deadline for this newsletter going out on time. The more I write now the more obvious it becomes to me that I have been writing for no one (except maybe myself) which isn’t such a terrible thing as I had no real sense of direction with The Daily Chase. I know that I have tried a few ways of communicating with everyone through these letters (flashbacks from Sexy Saturdays making me cringe!) and I do put a lot of pressure on myself to provide you with content that might be slightly interesting. I haven’t been able to achieve that element for quite some time. I want you to know that while I am writing for no one I do always have you all in my mind. Usually, beating myself up on your behalf. As it stands at the moment, this is all I seem capable of doing right now. Just to sit down and type. 

HOW I’M FEELING 

I didn’t take my new mood stabilising medication yesterday and my writing was more ‘productive’ in volume but not a great deal of substance prevailed. It’s been a while since I really felt the passion come out between me and the keyboard and now I am unsure how to proceed. In one way I thought I needed the peace that comes with this type of sedative med, on the other hand, I don’t like to be so laid back that I am always half ready for sleep. I made up my mind to stop taking them before the next stage of the course is increased to the higher dose levels (today I think or it could be on Tuesday next week).  The thing is that I awoke this morning with the same dull thud of dread that I used to get all the time. An emotional hangover. I haven’t been having too many of those since being on these pills. I was consciously allowing similar emotions to arise as soon as I woke each morning but I had a lot of other factors on my mind but now those are no longer in my life, I should be feeling fine. I’m not feeling too clever. 

INFERTILITY & FATE 

It’s like I'm lost in the limbo of life. I just wondered whether this has anything to do with my unconfirmed infertility / not wanting to have children in this late stage of life. In fact there has only been once in my timeline where I did welcome the idea of becoming a parent. I was in my mid thirties, and had been surprised that my partner and I had made it to around the five or six year mark. I thought the next natural step would have been great for us but because I knew there was a chance that I was infertile and he didn’t want to have children, we just left it down to nature and in hindsight, I still stand by that being the best thing we could ever have done. If anything fate dealt us the cards we wanted and which were best for us. I am ruling out the possibility of ever having a child now, and I am so grateful that I have matured wise enough to know that I shouldn’t even contemplate the alternative. I wondered whether having a child might have made us take up another route, a better path forward, in each of our own lives and mentality as well as together. All I can imagine now is that not only would we have still started destroying each other but god forbid we might have had a little person’s life caught up in this shit-mix too. I hate to think how I could have been part responsible for fucking up another human’s head who I loved more than anything else in the world. Mentally tough, would I have been able to put to bed all of this immaturity, trauma, pain, repetitive bad behaviours, change the way I see the world and how I adapt to it. I am so thankful that I will never get to know the answer, although in my heart I already know that I wouldn’t have ever changed my brain. I am too fucked up for that kind of world. 

PROJECT CHASEY 

It didn’t work today. I ended up doing the exact opposite to what I told you yesterday. I vented my upset and pain and that turned into frustration. I cried and got upset and felt trapped and used. I ended taking those meds again and it was today that they increased to 50mg. It means I am at the halfway point as I need to build up my tolerance slowly and make my way to 100mg. I tried to apply some self care to the situation all day today. I attempted all that I could muster. I didn’t even have it in me to shower or bathe. I have a need to feel fresh and clean at all times so I washed as much as I could a few times in the day. I have a thing about spraying my favourite perfume, body mists and fragrant sprays. I also apply face cream at various points. It helps make me feel prepared for all the emotions to come boiling up in a rage inside. I just tried to take myself off to bed. I say try because I kept being woken up and not only that there are things that I do every day which would need to be done no matter what. So I kind of failed.  Until now where I will sit and play this song which takes me back to better days and reinforces the love I need. Bit of a cheesy guilty pleasure.