MY SINISTER DESK & Bits.!x.
RECENTLY-->> Tuesday, 7 November 2023
Hello Everyone! If you are new here WELCOME and if you’ve been here before WELCOME BACK! You may have noticed this is a little different this issue is laid out in my experimentally *new format* The Daily Chase will look a bit like this one on the days where I used to provide a simple template of poetry, audio, images and some other generic, no-effort, bullshit - I get to explain a little bit below (I hope) usually with me I end up writing myself into corners like a joke with no punchline provided ;-) I really hope you enjoy this new ‘layout’ so to speak and if you enjoy it please hit the heart or restack (if that’s socially acceptable in this instance). I know when I first joined Substack I restacked most if not ALL of the posts that I had hearted. I didn’t know the protocol (and still don’t !!) for restacking. I happened across a woody from toy story meme “restacks, restacks everywhere!” and immediately attributed it to someone taking the piss out of me. Realistically, I hope it wasn’t directed as people like me or worse JUST ME haha! I do have a paranoid illness so that’s just how I roll. I want you to know that when you do restack my posts - I get a huge shiver up my spine, my cheeks blush bright red, and I panic OMGomgomg…. I do its real and I have no idea how to thank people. That opens a whole new list of probabilities.. I just have to let you know upfront that if or when you restack , heart and or subscribe I appreciate you! THANK YOU in advance! xx
Dear Chasers!
This has been going on Today or Recently….
It has been a very dark night of the soul for me this week… I have been trying to knuckle down and write more than I have ever written in my entire life. Since losing interest in my muse (obsession) I have been trying to recover from a phantom-poetry condition.
In other words, I believed that my passion was in poetry and that’s as far as I could go with my writing creativity. I didn’t just give up because I realised that I’d never be able to nail it. I stopped it because I want more. Much more than poetry could ever offer for me. Let me explain.
It has only been the first real year where I have dedicated all of my daily work to writing, in particular, poetry. I joined a poetry group through a YouTube channel membership which offered writing workshops, writing tips and the chance to be published. I managed to get some of my short poems submitted and published and I was buzzing about that.
If anyone is interested in this group leave a comment and I will direct you to the channel.
As I am no longer a member there anymore I don’t feel I have a place in sharing the information randomly to the public anymore.If you have been following me on Substack, both here and over on my JustClinginOn page, you could easily work out which group this is I’m talking about and I still highly recommend the group membership to any artist of all walks of like and style of medium. Writers, Poets, Painters, Musicians.
I was very appreciative of the opportunity to go further and appear in an anthology with other poets and a new regular chapbook alongside other poets in the group. It was at that point where I bailed. I couldn’t do it. I crumbled.
I wouldn’t mind, all that was required of me was to pick ten of my poems and submit them to be considered. I don’t know exactly why I chose to back out. I didn’t feel any of my poetry was good enough for their chapbooks. I didn’t feel worthy. I also felt very afraid of being exposed, through my poems, as the ‘delusional idiot’ that I really am. I think I am afraid of success.
I get so embarrassed when other people compliment my work or say they like it. I just want to shrivel up and die whenever I get any type of publicity for my poetry. I guess, I am just happy living under this rock, with my partner by my side and my wobbly little desk in the corner. Just reaching out to the people I trust and who I hope trust me too.
It was the same when I was mostly focused on music as a DJ, quickly becoming a bedroom DJ and getting lots more practice in than ever before during lockdown. I have a friend who is a MASSIVE music producer and DJ (amongst his other qualifications). He runs a project for music artists and invited me to do a guess mix for his ‘guest mixes’ series on his platform. It was a HUGE deal.
I accepted initially and worked on mixes. I think he gave me six months notice in advance to get it done. I did a couple of mock ups which turned out to be fuck ups. In the end I decided not to participate. I couldn’t bare the thought of all those people hearing what I had made and probably noticing all the mistakes I'd made or agreeing with me that the songs sounded shit the way I had mixed them or anything.
I didn’t think I was good enough and you know what? I wasn’t. I’m still not good enough to be successful in the arts. What exactly is successful to me? To me success is the ability to say that I am good enough.
To be successful is when I think that my ‘stuff’ deserves an audience large and wide. I don’t deem it to be ‘popularity’ or even rewarding by winning approval of such crowds and masses. I don’t look at success that way. I look at success as being happy with, proud of, pleased with what I have created. I never get those vibes.
As you can notice, I am far from being a perfectionist. I like putting my work out when I am ready to post. I do try to be careful with typos and blending errors in music but I’m not afraid to produce or put out unpolished creations. I am just scared that too many people will see it and if they do - I will be mortified. So, I have decided to be a hermit.
I am a reclusive worried 'writer, mad music manipulator, pretend poet wannabe. All those things seem about accurate and I am happy with that. I’m not scared of everyone seeing me. Just those who choose me. Who follow or subscribe without having me be thrown into their spaces and faces. I am complete shitbag. :-(
I am like many people in that I go through many phases, like the moon. Only mine don’t just happen at night. I love the driving force of inspiration. I can’t say that its motivation because that would imply the muse is somewhat involved in what I do. I jump from muse to muse and feel deflated when the infatuation wears off. I don't like routine or structure or pressure to be more precise. I have to do things as they come by. It's the easy option and why make life hard when it doesn't have to be. So when I find an object of my affection or subject of my attention that lasts longer than a week I embrace it.
My brain is hard to me. It's difficult to deal with all the fluctuation of mood and mixed emotions and subconscious thoughts and concentrated, deliberate thinking that bogs me down. I like art to be easy. That's why I'll never allow myself to take my 'art' seriously, see I even put the word art in those air quotes. I struggle calling what I do art because I am entirely sure that it isn't. Surely art should be hard. It takes a lot of time and skill and talent... or is it just time gone by that makes the artist good at his art.
Picasso once said something along the lines of "Its taken me a lifetime to produce paintings like a five year old" .
I've been writing things all my life. I had notebooks. That’s pretty much it along with PC’s and laptops in the past. I have communicated with people and socials through writing and I enjoy it. I only started writing poetry a few years back on Instagram. It was soon after that I discovered the poet that fast became my obsession or muse.
When it came for me to deliver my work and take actual pride in what I had created, I realised, there was no place for me in that world. I was offered that place in a chapbook as supporting poet. I shit myself and backed out. That's when I accepted internally, that I’m just not into all the publicity.
I like the small circle around me who, like already said, choose me because they want to see what it is I am writing or working on or they just like hearing me harping on. I really welcome people who find me and follow. That’s exactly what I am about. Just here in my little corner of the internet, talking shit and doing my thing.
Exactly, as I have said it was the same when a huge DJ and music producer invited me to do a guest mix for his company. I tried in private and couldn't go through with it. I still mix music 5 years later and post it with a very small audience. As large as 200 as small as just 1 and that one is me. I won’t even involve my partner or mum in some sides of my creative life. He is subscribed to JustClinginOn and calls me out on EVERYTHING.
He’s like “Chase !! Don’t write this or like that. Don’t you have any filter!” and, I reply: “It’s ART mate” (obviously I am not being quite honest, hopeful is sort of honest?!) I continue to say “Art doesn’t need a filer besides, I am still trying to figure out what to write never mind working on how I write.”
I am my main audience and until I like what I do then I think that's as much publicity as I can handle. Not to put you off from joining me here. I feel safe in The Daily Chase newsletter pink place (not sure if you see the pink theme on your side, I do on mine and for the life of me can’t remember how I made it this colour!). Some day I might change it to something more sensible like yellow or black! <3
Its safe and comfortable. I don't want anything more so. I am too sensitive to other's opinions of my shit. I am my own worse critic and I believe myself the majority of the time. NOTHING that I put out into the world gets my seal of approval and I am not striving to either. My obsessions are just the same as yours. Mild yet impacting in stupid ways, like say you getting into a series on Netflix and then that series ends and there’s a weird hole to fill where that enjoyment used to be. I now have a creative hole which needs filling, and here are a few things I have been looking at:
Recently…. Read (acquired TBR) Books
I have been to the library and brought home a pile of books to help me with my writing! So far I have only just started reading the book most closely suitable for me writing needs and which I think I am going to do a complete newsletter talking about my approach to it and how it has helped me (if it helps at all… sometimes I feel so dumb!) which is quite apt for me to have picked up Creative Writing Dummies Edition and I thought about starting there, however having looked inside it appears to be a bit of a complex textbook which requires my full attention which I couldn’t offer it today. So, I opted for the Seven Creative Gremlins book to start with first. It looks so lovely and inviting but like most things I do, reading takes a lot of time for me to get into properly.
I struggle with maintaining my focus as my interest wains (due to symptoms of schizophrenia, disregulation of moods). I can be enjoying reading and within the space of a paragraph my mood dips and interest is lost. I plough on because by the end of the page my mood will have elevated or dipped again in some way and its just a headache. It doesn’t deter me. I read quite quickly when it gets going. I am due my monthly medication tomorrow (trusting this goes out on 7 November ) and the good part of my particular medication is that it also has mood stabilising affects too.
The other books in the pile (pictured above) are as follows: How to Write Erotic Fiction & Sex Scenes, I mean how could I not pick up this book! It’s right in front of me on the library shelf. I was about to go on an explain, for those who haven’t worked it out yet (not many! lol) ,I am not an author or ‘professional’ writer and I DON’T aspire to be anything other than what I am now. I’d say a ‘hobbiest’ and a less than amateur writer.
I am a writer that just hasn’t cracked what it takes to be a good writer. I have had plenty of practice in my time. I am just stuck on the novice rung of the ladder but that’s where I am most comfortable. The point of me even trying to do these self-help writer books, isn’t to take on bigger projects but to improve on the pleasurable projects that i love to do, which consists of me finding myself gently lowing myself into Substack as I love to climb into a hot bath, with a book, and have a good long soak. Usually, ten minutes max before I get pissed off being wet and sitting in my own shit. The book goes in the sink, I wash myself and climb out all thoughts and dreams of reading abandoned. The amount of forgotten books that I come back to and find in the bathroom sink is unreal.! I do try.
Bringing you back to the How to Write Erotic Fiction book etc, book. I had to just pick it up and see if there’s anything at all that I can take away from it. I have no use for that genre be it erotic or just fiction. I really really can’t and won’t and don’t want to write fiction. I just want to improve the way I present myself within writing; The last of these books were picked up with a similar viewpoint to how they might help me. Freefall Into Fiction (Finding Form) and another ‘outwardly useless’ book for me personally is How To Write Performance Poetry as you know, at the moment, I feel like I want to go on a poetry hiatus in terms of writing it. This book was picked up out of intrigue rather than how beneficial it would be for me to read. Anyway, I better get busy and show you something of the same for you… underneath are some interesting BITS..:-)
Thank you for sticking with me “thus far” <3 Bye..! xx
Recently… Visited Website
My online acquaintance who I like to consider to be a friend of mine. I consider anybody that I give the time of day to, to be a friend. That’s not many people haha!. This guy, Dom from a Lyrical Life & Disorganised Waffle podcast on Spotify. You might remember in a previous issue, I wrote about his Sunday Vibes Show. Well, I have been enjoying reading his poems and had a wee look around his website too. I rarely read many poems in the average day or week but when I admire a poet, I make more effort (which feels like no effort at all - miraculously) to consume some of their work. It gets me feeling closer to the person behind the poetry and often find comfort how much I relate.
www.flatcaprhymer.com
Recently… Searched For Song
I had a semi-traumatic paranoid episode today and while I was coming out of it I looked up an old ‘friend’ good old Robert Nesta Marley, not saying it solved all my issues but the paranoia seemed to be forgotten shortly after this relaxing listen (and to think back to when I used to smoke weed - I can’t smoke it anymore - it used to be the skunk that popped my head into paranoia. Still - I’m vibing !! xxx
Recently… Discovered Podcast
Again, its not recently discovered but I love this podcast for writers of all levels. I will try to put an embedded link underneath because I am running out of battery and need to get this posted asap. I have enjoyed many of Ann Kroeker’s shows particularly whilst travelling but the best one so far happened to be a short small poetry writing prompt.
Choose something from your garden that you can see from your window.
Give it another name like a nickname, e.g. Mushroom might be Cloudflump
The describe it and write your poem by describing how it makes you feel etc.
End the poem with the correct name mushroom then BRING ME YOUR…. (in the podcast episode which i couldn’t locate this time so I have embedded (all going well) the most recent episode) but in the WRITING PROMPT they completed their poem with “…Mushroom Bring Me Your [….] Need For Dark Places…” *brilliant!*
I did the prompt and posted my poem on Instagram. It was short and sweet. See Image.
Recently… Found YouTube Channel
I have followed Shannon’s Channel since last year and enjoyed her presence in the booktube community. Shannon has recently updated her channel making changes for her to continue writing her manuscript. I attempted to put a video link in here but Shannon has set her videos not to be shared on other platforms. I hope she wouldn’t mind me mentioning her channel here as it is available to the public on youtube at:Shannon’sChannel if you would be interested in her book reviews, writing and other videos. I have to say how delighted I am to have won a free book sent directly to me by Shannon herself..I mean WOW how cool is that!! The Novella is written by Shannon herself (writing as Noelle MacLeod) and I loved it. It’s called Since September and is available to purchase on AMAZON HERE. Below is my sinister themed-stupidly studious self ‘posing’ with said book. Yup !
