INSANITY ITCHES🧠[15.02.24]-Thinking Thursday! Musings w/ Chasey Delaney 🧠
A BAD DAY OBSERVANT ESSAY silly things and 'Stuff That Makes ME Think' another instalment in my SOON-TO -SCRAPED MIni-Series: LET ME THINK ABOUT IT!??
Dear Chasers!
I couldn’t sleep the night before my depot injection (medication for schizophrenia) and I was already a week late! The reason I was a week late was because I had been too twisted off sniff the night before my original depot was due. I also had hints of a chest infection, flu, food poisoning and depression. I agreed that my mental health was good enough for me to wait the extra week without being medicated in order for me to get an appointment and up to date with my £1,000 per pump of the six inch needle, that I have to get every four weeks - if I don’t then I lose my fucking mind, bit by bit my brain turns against me because of all the cracks in the pipelines, like a leaking fucking toilet bowl. Drip, drip, drip and I get deeper into psychosis.
I was at the point where I was of the mindset that I couldn’t cope with the dynamics of my relationship on valentines day there was a straw that broke the camel’s back. After spending the day AWOL in parks, a library and in the end at the place where we all go when we need to feel some love or we’re at a really loose end, or when we can’t continue to cry in public for want of causing people to approach or worse still, the tears start solidifying on your face because it’s too cold for anything let alone feeling sorry for yourself. Freezing on a park bench looking at an empty park when isolated and alone - not recommended as good self care.
I sat up into the middle of the night making music mixes with music that just usually wouldn’t be my bag. I thought maybe it might impress my partner the day after when I went back home. He had been mad at me for disobeying him when he told me NOT to go to my mum’s house until I had been given my depot injection because I wasn’t fully stable - mentally. He was actually quite accurate about my mental health but the fact that the problems are caused by the possibility he has been having an affair for the past four weeks means - it is not that I am paranoid off my tree about everything, it’s all about our relationship, his behaviour in it and towards me, my own insecurities and feelings, my reactive actions and emotions. Everything involves just me and him. I’m not going out into the world thinking that, “because the neighbour upstairs was playing christmas songs on their piano before I left means that the girl who my partner is shagging behind my back must be called HOLLY”. That’s the usual kind of crap that can happen when I am really bad. Sometimes I just don’t want to FEEL NO MORE.
I went straight out at 8.30am to get to the place which fortunately is on the same tram line on my way back home. No, wait. I had to message him first and tell him I didn’t need a wake up call because I was already awake. He took ages to get back to me and just before we left I had accused him of something - to do with cheating - I don’t recall the exact… hold on, I hadn’t accused him. I had ‘been off’ with him apparently. That’s right, because in my mind I was ruminating on a call we had last night. I was pretty sure that I had heard some slag girl laughing in the background and whispering “is she there..” but he had talked over the noise and we carried on talking and all went silent in the background. A) if it had been the TV it wouldn’t have quietened down B) he wouldn’t have looked over past the phone to the side and C) i should have called him out right there then it wouldn’t be playing on my mind right now.
I hadn’t accused him. He knew I was unhappy by the tone in my voice, the look on my face but even so…. Why would he, when seeing me distressed, and without knowing what was causing me upset, would he immediately turn gangster shouting at me for “being fucking paranoid again you mental fucking cunt” he makes out that he can read me so well. Yes dude because you know I’m fucking on to you. Needless to say that was the beginning of the bad day and the bad attitude in me, coupled with no meds for a week and no sleep for 24 hours straight. Today was NOT going to be a good fucking day.
On the tram there was one seat left, well half of one next to a poor guy who took up nearly two seats and looked very embarrassed about it. I sat half my arse on the seat and dropped my heavy rucksack on the floor in the aisle. No sooner than that, at the first stop all these people started piling on and pushing down the aisle backwards almost sitting on my fucking face. I hate that, especially at 8.45 am on a first date! I handled it like a big gun. I shoved my back between my leg and the seat and stiffened my entire posture up, turning my head away from the offending arse. It only got worse. The big guy next to me seemed annoyed that I was sitting there and kept pulling his elbow away from my side so it wasn’t quite within touching distance. So, on the one side, I have some girl’s ass and guys dick area directly inline with my face and on the other side some guy pulling away from me in disgust. I reasoned that he was just being polite. That’s what I do.
I make sure no unwanted contact from my coat to anyone else doesn’t ever touch. I keep my mouth closed and breathe through my nose in case my breath isn’t as fresh as I think it might be. I try to hide my hands inside the cuffs of my sleeves so nobody thinks I am a pick pocket or that I might be trying to steal something from them whilst they’re in such close proximity. That day I noticed that my coat was dirty from me sniffing cocaine on the way home from the railway bridge meeting point, I remembered getting a massive ‘drippy nostril’ and had to wipe it quickly to prevent looking conspicuous and also so that my partner didn’t taste it on my nose when I got home.
See that’s where we’re at in our stage of our relationship HIS nose licking inspections and MY bad tempered greetings!!. I get in shouting at him to get a plate ready. He’s pissed out of head and taking too slow a step to get things done. I’m not drunk, been out for over an hour on a mission, desperate for a cigarette and just really, really annoyed at him. All the fucking windows wide open in 7 degree weather, late at night, music blasting…. Shit music at that and him falling over himself to take the fucking bag from me. Also, I know what’s coming. He will weigh it and then lick my nose to check if I have dipped into it or not.
Snotty coat, unwanted contact from a girl who had not washed her fanny that morning by the smell of jiz and pedigree chum coming from her clothes. I tried not to judge but she looked really disgusting, like all ‘normal’ and ‘basic’ and wearing boring work clothes… “I mean, how very dare she be doing all that blending in and shit.. And STINK and get away with it!” Does she not realise that I don’t like it. She’s constantly on her phone holding the pole where my hand should go and she is slumping in her sleepyness and the fucking cunt keeps rubbing her long-ass coat on my leg. I am practically balancing my foot backwards and on tiptoes to stop this from happening.
The guy’s dick is a kind of distraction. I don’t mind it one bit. It gives me something to focus and distract my mind away from fatty shy guy and stinky fat chick. Fuck my life. JUST FUCK IT. There’s more to the make up of this bad day about being in a shithole of a doctor’s surgery waiting for my turn and the altercation I got into in doing so, buts its too much and I’m too tired. I just need to listen to some music and put out a playlist so jump in here in an hour or so. I will cut directly to the chase about the ITCH>see below.
YOUR’s Half Arsed-ly, …Chasey Delaney! x
INSANITY ITCHES - just something to think about.
When we are losing our mind, going crazy impatient, becoming more aggressive in thought and in manner - why is it our body responds in a way to indicate outwardly our current disposition. My question and observation is why do people who are bordering on the edge of insanity also seem to get an itchy right knee? (one where we scratch it like the demon from the exorcists scratches the wall behind the bed), hard slow strokes with a stiff hand poised like a cat’s paws exposing its claws. Like it’s disconnected to our body and especially our composure. An evil limb and an angelic knee warning the rest of humanity in our approximate position as I noticed at the time all eyes turned to rest in disbelief on me just scratching my knee.
Thank you for Thinking w/ Me Again! as a wee gift I shall be pointing you in the direction of this artist called Ren. His most popular song is called *Hi Ren* and its a handful of headfuk and GENIUS too, but I also think this one is as poignant so it is our EXIT SONG this evening… x KISSES x
Let’s Think about INSANITY & BODILY FUNTIONS for a bit.. (the Mind Body / Chicken Egg dilemma) Sending you ALL of My love … and basically the best of me now medicated.. I promise that I am not as bitter as I come across💗💗💗💗 THANK YOU FOR READING MY HEART STRINGS .xxxxxxx
