IN HINDSIGHT: Am I Really INSANE?
INclUDeS: FREE e-BOOK LINK: The Prose of Osip Mandelstan(PDF)
Wednesday 4 June 2025
If this is a bit of a different surprise to what you might have been expecting. If you thought this was going to be my Aural Contraband Music Playlists newsletter, it’s moved to HERE:
Dear Chasers!
My upmost apologies if you’ve noticed that I didn’t post yesterday. I had a mad night of being ‘intoxicated’ - hold yer horses — nothing disgusting (except my own content creation and writing behavior*) it was green tea that was the culprit! I felt strangely sedate and wired both at the same time.
My conversations in writing were erratic to say the least. I was there watching it unfolding on the screen and helpless to do anything to stop it until the ‘damage’ had been done. I swear, I am so delighted and proud of myself for stopping when I did, notwithstanding making a fool of myself to friends inboxes to begin with, at least I didn’t put out a daily update newsletter in the same lunatic voice and tone.
I managed to save myself by going to bed early-ish and leave my writing commitments until this morning (Thursday 5 June). This letter is pre-dated. Now I have two newsletters to do and lots more time on my hands to them. I say more time, there’s less time in actual fact but I feel like now my head has stopped racing, my heart slowed to a natural pace again… I believe time will too.
*for an example of said ‘crazy creating’ see this Substack NOTE:
Recent Introspection:
RE: Thoughts of My Relationship (metaphorically musing)
‘I think i can make THIS work. I mean with Him indoors, my partner. If he can live with me and I have lived with him so long. Maybe I can stay comfortable in this nest until he moves on. IN the meantime giving me the space to do inner work, work on myself, grow independently stronger mentally and physically. Because if I was physically alone, i'd live it utter fear, psychosis and worry and depression and suicide ideation and despair.
It would be impossible for a broken 'flower' to bloom from that state of disrepair. but if I’m in a vase of stagnant water with an occasional splash of lemonade bliss - i have a fighting chance to do myself justice. The point I’m missing, unable to grasp onto, let alone fathom, is that in being this ‘flower’ I’m already dead. I’ve already been ‘plucked up’ from the ground.
So basically, any self-improvement is thwarted (my new fave word as of now thwarted!) Now my theory is a bit more fucking hard to think about. Since being a late-bloomer is also out of reach or pointless being that this bad-ass bouquet was fucked-on-arrival.
*NEWS* Wednesday 4 June marked a turning point for me. Instead of reading books on the tram ride to my Mum’s house; I sat and listened to some downloaded YouTube videos instead. The turning point was slender in theory.
It was like something clicked inside. The thing is that I’m not entirely sure of what that thing was now. I should have made a note of it at the time before it passed me by. Many thoughts arose and because of the content being so transferable to many lives and various things. I’ll share it.
I remember what clicked.. the possibility that my mental health diagnoses of Paranoid Schizophrenia may actually be wrong! L0L I laugh out loud now because of everything that followed - like the green tea fiasco above!
Q: was last night a lesson being presented by the Universe to put me back on track and protect me from the illusion that I am not insane? It’s like I was beginning to imagine a life without the limitation of mental capacity. Like, I might have a chance at becoming a fully rounded human being capable of learning and healing my inner self and bruising. Tut.
Now in hindsight it seems to be obvious that I am a hopeful (or hopeless) schizophrenic.
It took a dunk of green tea, a little bit of hope, a slight loss of reality - due to the revelation of an alternative reality becoming available to me, in order for me to see - double check (level 3) I’m not even level 1 (see video) as a schizophrenic I don’t even think I’d pass the initiation / application process!! But I’m playing with words.
It never has EVER occurred to me that I could possibly be any less fucked in the head than I happen to be now, I’m worse than since birth, fortunately I’m at a current standstill and attempting to get through my middle-age transitional phase in a way where I improve and not deteriorate mentally.
I know I have full control of my bad habits, ‘addictions’, poor choices, disgusting decisions - but I need to fix the broken foundation of my soul (sorry I sound so woo… I am all soul no ego = insane!). I seen this question which is never fully resolved as being a crack in a locked door.
Then like, Charles Bukowski said* in a line of his poem:
‘tell her to seek the stars and she’ll die climbing’ (this is written from memory it’s not 100% word-for-word accurate but the message is still the same. Give them enough rope and they’ll hang themselves).
With that in mind, the Universe seems to have directed me towards that new thought and possibility. I had never questioned my sickness before. I have only recently accepted it. Like a sibling - I take the piss out of it playfully and tolerate it being there.
The Universe opened up last night and seemed to send me into my mind alone to freebase the environment there, with no spatial awareness or insight the space there determined the words I wrote the state of mind slight disturbed but came out the other side unscathed again in the morning. Questioning my insanity sent me off the fucking rails! Another question: Where do I go from here?
CLICK LINK BELOW FOR THE FREE PDF:
THE NOISE OF TIME - The Prose of Osip Mandelstam (translated with critical essays by Clarence Brown)
You are a valuable consumer of me ;) & you are invited to be here!x
SOMETHING TO consider REMEMBER:
I’m going to post all week 6 days to my blog (online only). If you want to read these letters in real time, please follow and/or subscribe (to access Subscriber’s Chat) so when I post online ONLY and just share a link to it in the Chat, you’ll be able to keep on top of them as they’re coming.ON SUNDAYS I’LL SEND YOU A ROUND-UP EMAIL WITH QUICK LINKS TO ALL THE WEEKS NEWSLETTERS. How’s that sound to you? Good I hope? ..x
Recent ‘embarrassing’ Google Searches: (screenshot).
*I was today -Wednesday 4 June 2025- old when this myth was erased from my mind. I was so ashamed that I had always believed this!! I’m lucky to have learned the easy (progressive) way ‘via Google’ than in any other situation where I might have shown myself to be much more ignorant and uncultured - in the presence of others - it was good that I discovered my school-girl-error and thwarted ‘belief system’ from the comfort of my own couch = minimal damage.
Check out one of my other newsletter posts.
EXIT SONG:
Sub/Follow Each, All or Any of My Current (ongoing) Publications:
JustClingingOn - Main BLOG - here I try to keep it more wholesome and sentimental family , relationship topics
*LOL*justclingingon - Side BLOG - here I try to tackle deeper topics - still lifestyle choices and shit going on but I try to write it from a more ‘funny’ laughable, lighthearted perspective.
ChasingTheMUSE - Secret Stack - Sort of a spin off place to talk about other ‘imaginary relationships’ The MUSE being a person I admire, obsessions, confessions, talking about being in love there.
ItsJUSTaPOEM - POETRY place - A bit scarce of content at the minute as I’ve lost my love of poetry a little bit. Starting to get back into it - bit by bit - slowly but surely.x
AuralContraband - Music Playlists - I choose themes and tunes and embed individual songs in a long playlist style, images and soon to be incorporating information, reviews, opinions and videos too.
The Daily Chase - THIS ONE! - Just dropping in with a little bit of something on a daily basis. Let you know how life is going. x
Well that’s all for now. Thanks for reading and supporting my work - even by just sharing or hitting the like button. Take it easy! x