"Forever Better" 22.01.24💥MIND-BLOWN💥

Mondays are for things that have blown my mind - keep in mind that if dynamite were brains I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose! (o_0)

Jan 25, 2024

Good Moaning My Honourable Chasers! ..(0_o)..x

As you may or should really already know, we have a new member of the family with us holding my attention 98% of the time - it would be 100% but unfortunately I need to go pee sometimes. I love this little bundle of love and it’s overwhelming me already. We adopted her at only four and half months young, and now at the grand old age or around six months (wow! has it really been that long?) I may be wrong but even so this little lady instantly stole our hearts regardless. I feel quite exhausted this morning but it has nothing to do with this Teddy Bear Head because she is still in bed, sleeping next to her ‘daddy’ and I am up and awake slowly destroying my self preservation after being rudely awoken by the familiar coughing attack that’s dry, and constant, cruel and misleading - and almost ripped myself a new arsehole trying not to pee on the bed sheets, climbing out of bed to bend over hopefully encouraging the billion tiny evil hairs inside my lungs that it feels like are sticking together in a huge fur ball trying to drive me out of my god damn mind… I run to the bathroom at 5.00 am and finally here we are.

Trying to stick with my Daily Rota (pre-planned schedule) which makes me nervous and go weak every single fucking time that I allow myself to even read it because, I don’t do well with rules - even my own, or boundaries - even my own, or plans - even.. you get the gist. I could just scrap the ‘schedule’ and play by ear or is it play by here? whatever. I just thought that I owe it to my subscribers (and paid subscribers now too !! THANK YOU) so classy of me to say thanks in the middle of a conversation. Like, I’m talking to you now but I turn my head notice another friend and start waving dramatically in their direction HellllOOoooo! (that’s the ‘in-person’ equivalent to what I have just done. Anyway, back to you and me here and now. I think I owe it to ALL of my subscribers *Chasers* to put something in place that they can see, expect, look forward to, pick their best, know what’s coming - sort of thing, and I really hope that’s received well too. I’m also up for suggestions too. If you have any ideas for something or changes you’d like to see??

What has blown my mind lately (in short!)

My heart going out to the stranded bird above all other tragedy around me.
The realisation that I could be to blame where I have been blaming others!
The fact that I am too old to know anything anymore (see poem on Tuesday’s post).
My partner suggesting that it is NOT our relationship problems which are making me hear voices and get too paranoid to handle - his revelation is that the culprit to blame is….. (read on further for the mind blowing answer!) *spoiler* he is wrong.

sick as a dog and still impressed that I pulled of this perfectly ‘productive look’ - I mean every workman could make use of a (face like a) BAG OF SPANNERS ! *same

Walking The City Streets.. Oh? (late at night !! gosh!)

I’m walking to the out of hours doctor’s surgery amidst many a nighttime jogger apparently - if I did not see 10 pairs of naked legs in tiny shorts (masculine and feminine and beastly at best (no those would have been mine except my shorts were underneath my stretchy ‘work’ pants… making my thighs look lovely and butch all bunched up under a flatbread arse!) then I saw 100 naked legs. Coming and going, joggin and running in all directions and it felt good to be among such a nice crowd. I think i had stumbled upon and landed myself awkwardly in between a group of people doing one of those Manchester Midnight Walks - that or I fucked up a marathon at night. Wandering along with the crowd proud as punch, grinning like a cunt, gormless as fuck. Taking the vibes all in like that dog stuck in a parade and thinking the carnival crowd was all about him. <3 awwww.. I do love the look on that dog’s face. hahaha

I see a shitload of sad tragic shit too like homelessness, poverty people (including myself), worn out shoes, dirty clothes, lonely faces - glued to phones. Baby’s cold wrapped up like the Michelin Man in ‘double-glazed’ coats, sucking on a sausage roll with a sunset coloured nose while their mother pushing him alone, navigates her own sole - that’s flapping back at me as she walks away I hear the broken footwear clapping. I see couples cuddling together cupping their shared light and crackpipe under the Shelter of Greggs’ doorway, the same place that baby got bought his ‘soother’ - nothing so good as a winter warmer and all I want is a hot cup of soup, a fucking sausages roll or two or three, fuck it I’d settle for a toot on that wesley too… I feel so low that I cannot commute without knowing that all I have at home is LOVE and LIFE (of my puppy Lola waiting), I have nothing else that I own and out here I feel envious of those who have EVERYTHING ELSE and would probably give their last fucking toenail to get a snippet of what I have instead. I worry about them being so ‘unlucky’ but I feel apathy or indifference about any of them. I feel sorry for myself being out here witnessing all this shit. I can’t wait to go home and refill my heart with Lola and our empty fridge, cold bath, warm bed, Take off my coat, pants and in that order kick off my new plastic-looking trainers.

I can’t seem to get my head around whether or not I’m alright with them - this time, after 6 years in my last pair of trainers, - at least these don’t let the rain in anymore. My toenails haven’t cut a hole in the same place of each shoe so my socks don’t shine through anymore. Making life easier that I don’t have to hunt down matching or all-black socks. My feet are warm but somewhere deep inside my heel is flicking out the back as I walk. I FELT NOTHING MUCH UNTIL .. on my way home, I saw a fucked up, oil-spilled, dirty, desperate little creature of a fat feathered, rugged looking - lost and oh my god my heart is breaking - this fucking PIGEON hauled up in the crack between two buildings, cold wet - and suddenly _ i forget the rest of what I’ve seen, I want to help set him free. (He wasn’t stuck just sat there probably dying). I FELT HELPLESS. x

The Office Never Lies..

As I pushed my arse around slowly moving the lopsided gaming chair I realised now why it was so lopsided, not only was it already broken when it became mine, but it was obvious that whilst in the position I always sit in; I was only covering the right hand side of the chair. It was my positioning myself perched on the edge ready for action should I be called into demand by my lazy or master of delegation as the case may be, partner. I am the house remote control, go-for and the person who never sits still (at least not for long periods of time). However, recently he has been sitting at my desk, on my gaming chair whilst eating his meals because now we have a puppy who is actually very food motivated and a bit wild whenever she’s around ours; it makes life easier for him to eat at the table (as opposed to eating from a plate on our lap). Since this change - and because I am so protective of my ‘office space’ hating anyone going near my desk or anything - I have been secretly blaming him for making my chair sit like a fucking seesaw!

This makes me wonder what else I have been delegating blame on others to that could be caused by myself? It didn’t take me long to figure out that the chair was a one off incident - a standalone mistake.

I am not accountable for anything else at this present time. In the meantime, my partner is now convinced that it is my writing ‘work’ (I like to call it work because it makes me feel productive) . Nothing I do is work. I am useless really. I love writing and use it as a coping mechanism for stress and to offload whenever I am struggling to articulate myself properly in real life conversations - mostly arguments. This chair tells a thousand tales and looks, so battered and rough (as does it’s owner), like it has held a 1000 tails!

Conversations With My Partner.. (in Sickness & Health)

My partner says that me writing about shit is making me sick again, just because I was paranoid the other night and hearing voices (I basically thought that he had a secret phone and was whispering into it while we were both in bed.) He passed his actual phone over to me when I told him I could see the reflection of a light against the cupboard. He told me to keep his phone on the windowsill and go to sleep, I told him it wasn’t necessary but he insisted, making me even more suspicious. I think my mental health has been sliding under all the emotional stress caused by us going through a sad patch (difficult times we could say) in our relationship. So, when he decided to threaten to stop me from doing my writing work… I became extremely emotional and upset. The horrible thing is: he could do that to me! It doesn’t help that we are both struggling with a really bad case of flu symptoms and one hundred percent confirmed (now) coughing fit inducing chest infections. I even made my way across the city (by tram) to my mum’s house to collect a bottle of cheap cough medicine she bought for him (I wasn’t coughing at the time so it was purely to assist him while he was refusing to consult a doctor!). Things I do for the cost of loving. PS: we had no funds at the time to even by a lollypop,..if I had have had the money - I would have a bought a fucking gobstopper instead and shoved it up so far up his arse it would fill his mouth and stop the fucker talking! ha! “Hell hath no fury like a writer denied.” HOW VERY DARE HE BLAME - MY WRITING! Since then, I have decided to try harder to remain sane (in appearance if nothing more than superficially) and almost passed!