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Monday, April 29, 2024 - Rejection, Where's Wally, Grease 2, Loneliness, Writer's Guilt, Books Wishlist, TDC3ZINE FREE eZINE DOWNLOAD LINKS. Audio Transcript+🔊
x!!..DAILY DROP - Monday Musings..!!x
Monday, 29 April 2024.
Hello ‘DD’ Chasers!
( LISTEN FOR COMPLETE EXPLANATORY READING OF THIS TRANSCRIPT IN AUDIO RECORDING )
Disclaimer: Whilst reading the text below I noted some very small typo’s or errors which I did not rectify during the reading and cannot seem to find now going over this. So, please forgive those if you find anything missing or added which is not in the recording. The recording above is much more thorough and coherent. I hope you enjoy this piece of writing for what it is a MUSING and a writer’s wish / guilt trip. Just messing. I had fun with this one.
The Poem / Chapbook Reference in the introduction regards the sound of empty bottles smashing down like lost souls. Well, I mentioned I thought my comment was inspired by a poem in Matt Wall’s Drinking Less Chapbook. Guess What I found! A FULL AUDIO VIDEO of THE POET RECITING THE ENTIRE CHAPBOOK… *Please Subscribe To Matt Wall Poet*
Sun has been shining over the sparkling green grass patches where the dog hasn’t pissed yet, she won’t either. She has decided on three ‘special’ places where she likes to go and we now have almost a full row of cool crop circles covering the lawn. Like myself she seems to be a creature of habit and once she chooses a place for pissing - she won’t piss anywhere else (same as me, again!) I like to piss on his face. Just one beautiful bearded face. His. We’re not here to hear this shit or piss whatever it is, I came here with a load and I feel like once I write this out and get it over with and out of my system my load will be lighter. I don’t know about yours. I hope you feel neither stressed out or bored or annoyed for the time I may have stolen in telling you this: NOTHING. Now, off you go, get along with your other important, interesting business.
If you’re hardcore like me, lonely, already bored before you came here.
Grab a seat and a hot beverage, NO ..please DON’T warm your beer up in the microwave on my account. This isn’t a game show, there are no prizes and this is probably the last time that I am going to make sad jokes or even acknowledge that you’re here, but you are here with me invested in this, with me and I 100% appreciate you and I’m very grateful for your readership. I won’t ever be successful in monetary wealth, not because I write a load of shit (sometimes, maybe a lot of the time) but because I have no real desire to add paywalls to anything. Been there, done that (back when I had about 3 loyal subscribers and I gifted 2 of those the free paid memberships! - if you’re wondering what happened with the other guy.. He would have got one too but when I went to authorise it, he’d already unsubbed and I almost cried. So much for loyal, however, that happening - did me a huge favour.
I decided to remove paywalls for the future and so I did. I did this because that Chaser leaving me so quick, before I’d even gotten really started, with whom I had mentally become attached with for them being there from the get go (probably a bot for all I know!) well,
it kind of reminded me of being perpetually, regularly, consistently, frequently, bi-daily rejected by my best mate Wally* all the way through nursery, middle, and primary school.
* her name wasn’t Wally but she fucked off on me so often AWOL my grandparents were always asking me where was she. Where’s Wally? …
I instantly blamed myself for being too complacent, too boring and even too demanding of her to enjoy the same things as I as a pastime. Mostly we would play out in the street and have a lot of fun and loads of laughing (that’s the part I could never replace whenever she”went off” with her next door neighbour, as girl in the same class at school as us) the laughter. I had other school friends, none that lived near me but I wouldn’t have minded that if I weren’t so attached to Wally and her infectious giggle and ability to see the same funny side to everything that I saw too. If we had to stay indoors though, the dynamics changed slightly because I easily got bored of playing with Barbie dolls or watching TV - the same DVD over and over again of Grease 2 (we both loved it and we knew all the words to the entire script by heart).
I believed that playing with the Barbies was something of an antisocial activity. I only enjoyed it if I was alone. Wally didn’t know that storyline to what my dolls had been getting up to and she didn’t know I’d changed Ken’s name to Nathan and Barbie to something else (I can’t remember) it was Cindy (the cheaper, less attractive figure) that I owned who was the main focus. Cindy’s new name was Jamie-Lee and she was my favourite underdog character. Ken, who was now called Nathan, was absolutely obsessed with her, but Barbie with her new dull name and beautiful good looks had already married Nathan before the other two met. She was mean to him and was high- maintenance and unappreciative - so Nathan was cheating with Jamie-Lee. See, Wally wanted everything to be nice and happy and my role playing was dark and deep.. No wonder I kept it to myself.
I knew that Wally was struggling behind all us others with schoolwork, reading and writing stuff. So, I would insist that I taught her some things. I would be The Teacher and help with homework, and help her read and oh…*yawn* no wonder she would jump boats as soon as she got home. One day we were ‘best friends’ the next day at school I would be ignored, ghosted in front of my face.. Haunted. She would be hanging around with that girl again. I would have an empty chair beside me, walk to the dinner line alone, do my work at the desk where she used to sit beside me, alone; go on break times without anyone with me (yes my other groups of friends would gather around me but they’d all be paired off and I was still alone). My first experience of loneliness I guess because I felt that disconnect. This beautifully recorded poem (narrator unknown to me) Alone With Everybody by Charles Bukowski comes to mind right now.
People would ask why I wasn’t with Wally. “Where’s Wally?” they’d say looking directly over at her giggling up her sleeve to something the other girl was saying whilst looking back at me. I used to stare or glare when it first happened. This was an external war on me. Making me look bad, humiliated, ridiculous. I would fight, literally fight to win her back. Then slowly as it kept on happening, and I kept on accepting her back with me, less delighted, more resigned each time, riddled with small success that cost me my pride. Then one day the war was over outside, I didn’t look anymore, I didn’t cry. I turned away, inwardly inside and that’s where the war within myself really began.
Losing this unknown subscriber who I had become familiar with reminded me that I should never expect anything from anyone for the ‘work’ that I do, helped me engage with the determination I felt as a child. I was happy it happened sooner rather than later - that I woke up and remembered never to push my work down other’s throats and also don’t become complacent so, I won’t ever try to monetise any of my Substack newsletters at all. EVER. As of now and always, unless I do go through the KDP route to getting any ‘books’ out (short stories/poetry/flash fiction or even essay collections) which I have been toying with attempting to give it a go at. I actually consider myself to be a non-profit amateur/enthusiastic writer. FOREVER.
If my loyal, veteran subscribers decide I or my scribbles are worth spending their hard earned cash on *pfft* (something, I can understand but am never myself in the position where I can buy my favourite writer a gift, let alone some idiot bitch like me) I have incorporated my books wishlist IF YOU FEEL INCLINED TO ‘‘DO IT’’ FOR ME.. hahaHAx
I don’t expect anything at all or even think for one minute that I deserve a book bought and paid for and sent to me by a Chaser/Stranger/Friend- To -BE. I am just trying to embrace the words of others, how writers work is worth payment or rewarding.. Or more deeply concerning is that I am trying to reincorporate into my soul, a sense of my own worth. This is my way of doing it right now. Thank you in advance. “Do IT FOR Our Country” ..x
I have three books from the list now already:
1. Pygmy by Chuck Palahniuk
2. Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk
3. Diary by Chuck Palahniuk
Your Question: What’s happening with the weekly free eZine (PDF) that you started doing Chasey?
Oh, the TDC3ZINE (pdf) eZine thing you say!!? WELL… I’m still trying to keep up and have been posting the links each week, sometimes on a Monday, aiming for every Monday - sometimes slightly off target. In future I will be posting those links on my NOTES. If you would like to send something to be printed in one (the aesthetic is classic black and white but send it in it’s original format and I make all those edits) .
Fantastic
Always a smashing time, Chasey. Writing as Event. Writing as Experience. Writing as Journey -- and Whim. Writing and or Delivery of Writing as, well -- Unknown! OK Writer/Deliverer and Wonderful Host. Keep up your excellent transformative work. Words have Power -- Sorcerer! Cheers & Peace from the US.