Chillout: Freedom Ain't Free! x
13 JULY 2024 - A little bit of me in appearance here until I find my feet again.
Breakfast this morning had me down on my knees digging out of the freezer a large tub of authentic Cornish clotted cream ice cream, bending my spoon out of shape to dish myself up a huge bowl covered in layers of Cinnamon dust. I can’t eat yellow or plain ice cream without added flavour. My go-to choice has always been chocolate. I remember the last time I had this gorgeous serving of ‘white’ ice cream tweaked with sweet seasoning, devouring the stirred-up mixture very quickly; as my partner stared in disgust (or it could have been shocked dismay).
“You love that don’t you!” he remarked as I continued to Speed Eat,, “It’s just how I like the man that I love too” I laughed. “How am I like that?” he looked confused. “Thick and creamy with just enough sweet spice”.
He said he thought I’d told him previously I like my men how I like my coffee (and I had with some cliche joke attached like this one) but now I have switched it up and said.
“I do like my men how I like my coffee; sliding off the roof of my car!!” - only I don’t drive so it didn’t quite work.
Fast forward to 10 pm, where I am now listening to a YouTube podcast called Writer’s Routine (also available on Spotify) that’s after ripping my heart out an hour ago. We might get to that, we might not. The day has been uneventful really. I keep checking my inbox for any sign of the muse. Heart palpitations are received with anticipatory gladness whenever I see a ‘reply’ - which happens very rarely. I wasn’t going to talk about him here, so I guess I won’t do that.
I very rarely feel like telling my heart here much anymore. It’s because I am turning inward once again. Dealing with irrational anxiety and confusion in matters of the heart. I can never seem to ‘tell my story’ in print the way it maps out here. I write here for relief of mind and to feel the heat of human aliveness that I lack in my love life, in life full stop. I was always taught well how to use my imagination to keep myself occupied, entertained, and content, and now it seems I do so just to stay alive. It seems to flow from me more freely even as it seems to be that ‘Freedom Ain’t Free’..xoxo.