"Breaking My Back"

Thursday 18 September 2025 - Day 11 of a 14 day deep dive daily letter sprint.

Thursday 18 September 2025

THURSDAY 18.09.25

Dear Chasers

Tonight might be the night I finally end my relationship of 15 years. I get hours of abuse every day. This is just one hour of it. I don’t expect anyone to be able to tolerate listening to this recording. It isn’t the worse of it but does contain a lot of upsetting barking coming from my baby girl (dog - of course!). I’m so used to having to explain my every single move and motive that I do it everywhere now. It would make for more easy listening if it was him barking. I would appreciate if you are discrete about my feelings. I might be wrong, crazy, worse, or right and alert.

I’m just trying to figure things out one letter at a time.

It was only the other day when I was trying to shine a good light on the decent parts of our relationship, and everything I said was true too. When he wants to be and especially when he hasn’t had any alcohol, or if he’s in a good mood, or my pay day!

I don’t often write about the good bits because I hardly ever get chance to remember if anything was ever good about us being together. I see small cracks of light. I wouldn’t even call that light ‘hope’ anymore. All the slight moments of peace between us just highlight the lost possibilities of what could be possible but never is and never was. I have to admit to myself it never will be. I know now that I no longer love him because I know nothing and the love I’ve learned from him isn’t making sense anymore. I don’t feel like I used to. I think my love is the love I try to give.

I’ve recorded these nights in the past and sent them out to people for advise. The best advice I ever received was that we are BOTH in a toxic, volatile and abusive relationship. I can never push all the blame over to him but I am breaking my back to bare him. His personality doesn’t have the same effect on me as it used to. That’s on me though. I’m changing and I’m not who I used to be. I’m clinging onto what I know about myself even more now, because of him, I have been losing myself for years.

All the while all I want to do in life is write. Yes, I drink coffee to help me get through it. Yes, I like cocaine nights to get him off my back and me out of my face. Its only since August that I heard some over the counter tablets have whizzy affect as well as sort out congestion problems. The amphetamine element doesn’t feel like whizzy on me. It just helps suppress my appetite and help me focus on things better.

I’m struggling to type tonight because I am so scared about calling the police on him. He is in bed now and says I have to go to bed at midnight after I’ve transferred him our joint money that goes in my bank tonight. It needs to be sent to the dealer for previous coke debts from months ago. Then he will make me go to sleep. I have no time to write. I was day dreaming about phoning them to remove him when he fell asleep. I don’t wish to try and get him in trouble. All I want is my life back and Lola.

He won’t let me keep her. I vowed never to own a pet single handed ever again so its for the best. I don’t want to lose my little girl but I want him out of my world. I already know I can’t ask for him to be removed tonight. I can’t risk losing Lola. Not tonight. I guess the one short recording I have uploaded isn’t enough to convince anyone that my relationship is not normal. I know many people argue and bicker but this isn’t for me. I also know that many people have it much worse. They get violence, smashed up stuff, and end up sobbing in tears, and even worse.

Bare in mind. I’ve had so many years of dealing with his dynamic that I’ve been through all those many stages on how i feel about it. How I respond outwardly to everything that’s going on, how it affects me internally. How I feel inside, I’ve had it matching my actions on the outside, I’ve hidden my feelings and tried to act indifferent. I’ve broken down when I felt like suicide inside. I’ve held it together when I’ve felt fuckign broken apart and my nervous system is fried. I’ve shouted back when I’m terrified on the inside. I’m done now. It’s a calm and fear rolled into one, like the strange lucidity you get as you’re dying.

For tonight I’m going to switch off everything, climb into bed with the man that I have lost. I think I despise him for not trying to save us. Does that mean there is still love? (My love isn’t aligning with his anymore. My love swerves in other directions.). I’ll pull the covers over my shoulder and like clockwork he will demand that I cuddle him. I try to do it legitimately. I drop my arm on his side, he tucks up over his ribcage and holds it down firmly with his arm. Its dark but my eyes are wide open.

I used to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. These days it takes 7 seconds. Its like I die a new death every night.

The tablet I take help me concentrate against all odds. All I have in my life are these letters and half the time I’m too afraid to tell it exactly like it goes on in the audio recording above. Tonight wasn’t the hardest night. It wasn’t the longest. It was the pivotal turning point. The straw that broke the camel’s back.

Take it easy! ..x

Kind-Regards,

..your mate Chasey!