[6/40] "Decade of Denial" ⁉️

Rhetorical Question 'is this more than an inner battle?' 29 September 2024

Chasey Delaney

Sep 29, 2024

Good Morning! How are all my Daily Chasers?!

Kind People of the World:

I know you are kind and I’m not asking you to give me anything to confirm your kindness or without your giving anything away at all. I just have this belief that human kindness is innate in everybody and the opposite should only be released upon provocation. In comparison to the kind of morning, I imagine you are sitting there in crisp white sheets, drinking hot dark coffee, content with your loved one lying next to you harmlessly still in soft and soundless sleep. Whether this be your husband, wife, lover from the night before, your cat, their cat, dog, horse(!?) of course not a horse. The way I was rudely awoken today you would think I was that horse. A severed horse’s head.

First of all how can he think he can bring my innocently covered up in pyjama shorts private part of my vagina into the conversation calling it names treating my clit like it’s the fucking villain, the gangster of our bed, like it is me that has been left as a death threat on the pillow? Secondly, how dare he take the piss out of its appearance unprovoked when his stupid useless balls look like ice cream scoops of elephant skin!? All I am doing is sleeping soundly under my own roof in our bedroom. I’m just a fucking girl doing nothing wrong, harmlessly stirring, wishing she was oblivious to the name-calling that’s going on behind her. Until, his hairy hand reaches over and his heavy fingertips start tapping my eyelids hard enough to bring white lights and flashes of headache residue. Why won’t this man just give me a break cut me some slack.

It’s every fucking morning now. He wakes me up to get jobs done but more important that that, he wants me away from and out of the room where he sits and festers in bed for the rest of the morning, in between walking the dog, sometimes going to the gym, then that’s him. Doing his life undercover of the warm blankets, in the bedroom, not letting me in. Blasting his Netflix to muffle the sound of his TikToks on his phone. Meanwhile, I am left to staying in the living room, getting things done. Freezing cold. I take my own blankets with me but the room is more spacey and no doors connecting the hall and the kitchen. The door to the garden is here next to me. He won’t allow me to put any heating on because its 12 degrees which means its fucking ‘boiling’ and he is “sweating”. No wonder the big horrible fuck is tucked up under the weighted duvet.

Questioning Everything:

When one thing doesn’t seem right, it kind of makes you question everything. The one thing that I have never questioned before is his ‘love’ for me. I always believe that was true. It must be true otherwise there was no glue to holding him on to me. Now, through his actions not matching his words, and some of his words giving insight into the hidden reasons behind his actions; I have come to believe or at least have considered that the one thing which is off - is the authenticity of the entire relationship. I have been the first to keep bleating on about the length we have been doing this ‘relationship’, cohabiting together. I even used it as an excuse for me to hold on tighter, not just give up and let go (not that I could even because he puts a spoke in the works of me ever escaping).

I have always thought we had something and that it was beginning to unravel into something more messy. Now, I am thinking it has all been one huge big romance (hold the romance) SCAM. I have no money to steal, nothing to ride on the back off. I don’t have any prospects, I’m not awaiting any inheritance, I don’t have a distinctly high page career - I am unable to work. I have nothing but a cheap roof over my head and government support payments. All he ever got and gets out of being with me is the freedom to be free. He isn’t obliged, hounded to work or get a job anymore. He receives shit money as a carer for me but we pool our income and spend it disgustingly unwisely. We’ve been living a cocaine and ‘champagne’ lifestyle on a cider and saver-menu income. It’s ridiculous really. He tells me I’m crazy for thinking somebody could SCAM me for 15 years and live the way we do and at the same time says ‘you’ve got fuck all for me that I would want, I love you ya cunt, now fuck off’. OK.

IS Sulking Self Love? -or is it JUST self pity!?:

So for the rest of the morning I stayed in ‘my’ living room on the pulled out recliner sofa so it’s the size of a small double bed. I lay across the huge pillows with a few blankets of my own. I tired to write a bit of this newsletter but its so hard to be angry and not smoke a cigarette, so I kept leaving the page to go to the window and let of ‘steam’. Then sadness creeps in, I mean, if I am this Angry Kid type bitch who fights back all the bad behaviour committed to her - then does that give him reason not to stop it, because I fucking deserve it? or because I can handle myself so well?

That’s when my nine year old self comes into the mix and reminds me how I felt lost and abandoned, unwanted, disliked, misunderstood, cheated on my so-called best friend who would religiously ‘go-off’ with the girl who lived next door to her. I went through all these similar surroundings, situations and fucking experiences, and remembered me.

How did I remember me? I’d sit in front of the TV, not colouring, not reading or messing about with anything. Just staring out into the big screen, and thinking. Crying and thinking. Quietly allowing those tears to fall and sulking. Then maybe go eat something. We don’t have anything to eat in the house and besides that I’ve outgrown that ‘comfort eating shit’ since I discovered coffee. (I still sulk a bit) .

I started to watch a bit of Netflix too. It’s unusual for me to do because I am usually kept busy being buzzed with creativity. Today I am not the same Chasey. I am under-caffeinated because we have no milk, no money for milk. So I have been drinking it black, and intermittently spewed it back up. I think its that and feeling so shit what made me just instantly fall asleep again and when he came in trying to wake me up I told him to ‘‘fuck off and leave me alone’ L0L

He only came creeping in around me to get me to ask my Mum for help with some money for food shopping. No members of our families will help. I don’t mind about being this skint but it helps when I am not being bullied into mivering my Mum to help us out again and again. Mum can’t help this time. I love my mum so much and feel snide on her for my paranoid thoughts/delusions last week or a couple of days ago (whenever it was).

I also feel snide on the dude who didn’t reply soon enough to my troubled concerns which I’d emailed across. I ended up letting hope fuck me over and I got angry instead. Told him a few home truths about how the omission of a response is more detrimental and damaging to the other person’s mind and mental health than an outright reply saying ‘fuck off you ugly ginger cunt’. At least I’d know where I stand.

I’ve get that shit every day and that’s one thing I am grateful for this experience is because my skin has had to grow an inch thicker. If the only thing ever to come out of my Decade of Denial is thicker skin than a huge THANK YOU FOR THE SKIN.