🎵 [4/40] "IN NO ORDER" + Audio! 🎵
TUESDAY: 24 SEPTEMBER 2024 - Update - The Schizophrenic Brain - Infidelity / Family 'Affairs'' - Undesirable End of Friendship.. A downtempo/ electronic music mix included. JUST A LOT TO READ. :)
Letter & SoundTrack- [24.SEP.24] -Setting The Ambience..!
Last year’s GRITS Reprise Mix for YOU my Chasers!
Well then, Chasers.
The vibe in here tonight might be a little sombre with sprinkles of satire (Ok, alright. I don’t know what I’m talking about. If satire means dark comedy, piss-takes, dad jokes, innuendos, play on words, anxious backtracking??? )Then I’m right.
If not, then what might happen is a switch in tone, randomly swerving from a sad subject to blathering on about trivial happenings, if I get super-nervous then expect between me writing living eulogies to go overboard and throw in some no holes barred, rip-my-knickers-off flirting. If your female that is.
The males reading this will be encouraged, offered, no….. the men are going to get out right challenged to an arm wrestle with me, then back to me stroking the satin sheets getting wet from drips of tears on my coffin bedspread which happens to be either a bad analogy or metaphor; or I’m a whore from the 90’s and hate that my sheets slide off onto the floor every night! Not me, not these days. Next time I’ll be flatlined. ;)
!! Welcome back to my not-so-daily ‘‘The Daily Chase’’ !!
As you know, this is where I go to lay down the law, take off my thinking cap and leave my dignity at the door. In here I am open and raw and at times like now, more honest with myself than ever before.
Thank you all for allowing the kind receipt of my newsletters directly in your inbox. If you’re not signed up as such just yet I would love you even more for letting me keep my foot in the door.
Tragic as it might sound - the more people I reach with these thoughts and feeling in me the better it makes me feel. I get the validation needed to continue doing what I do without feeling like a fraudster.
You make appreciate me (and you) a little more, I feel proud to have you all on board. I would usually start getting nervous at this point and start making some silly small talk, or throw in a few worn out jokes for good measure. I won’t do that this time as my entire life seems to be one big joke and I’m it.
On that sunny note, I hope you enjoy the ride. More life treading water beside me, and as mentioned above in one way or another; helping me keep afloat as my lungs flood with all the inhaled tears, my stomach cramps with all the pride I’ve swallowed, and my bum hole hurts from not actually wiping my arse properly!… oops*
*there it is. I said I wouldn’t do that!
Apologies, for the parts of me that say this shit. It’s an avoidance of reality technique. Comments welcome if you feel I need a gentle dose of reality injected in me. 0_o
Health & Happiness!
Kind regards,
Chasey Delaney xxx
This is the part where I kick off my shoes and dig my dirty heels into the muddy depths of my fucked up head and spew up a load of old garbage in typical grumpy, nihilistic fashion that your girl ‘Chasey-baby?’ has almost begun to come accustomed to these days.
I wish to tell you something new that I learned today all about myself - no that’s not true - I know fuck all about me yet. I might discover or uncover some truths if I actually get through this letter all the way to the end without giving up again.
What I have learned today is more information about the schizophrenic brain. I was in the bath… you know what I’m going to say, and I actually did pick it up the book in the sink next to me. It was the usual bathroom reading material you might find in everyone’s toilet. The bog standard typical textbook of a Neuroscience Primer called The Brain. I fell deep into chapter 5.
Now I feel like regurgitating in my own way, the interesting things I didn’t know about my brain (if it’s true what they say, that I have paranoid schizophrenia) I say IF because I am naturally suspicious as fuck which kind of gives way to their diagnoses I guess.
I will keep in concise on purpose because nobody except someone who can relate to schizophrenic science and brain shit will be remotely interested in too much bullshit about the goings on underneath the skullcap.
The Schizophrenic Brain.
(In my head I saw Brian. then retyped it, again, then again, like trying to slot a USB in the hole first time)… *third time lucky*.
I just grabbed the book again in a panic in case I make a mistake with the information I am about to convey, and promptly discovered that the words are now a mirage of foreign symbols spreading wildly, and dancing across the page again.
My schizophrenic (not that it matters) brain has had its day of fun with those words too many time (once) in one day, and now doesn’t understand even my own name. It’s a bit late. 3:00 am again, I’ve thought about writing all day long, its not the thought that counts this day and age; but it feels like I’ve been tackling this blog post/letter for an ice age. Days rolling in to other days. Nights are inviting, but so is sleep. If there’s one thing in life that I can’t usually fight - it’s sting-eye stage of sleep. It always wins.
To be straight with you, most days I hate anything to do with mental illnesses or schizophrenia, especially in literature or fucking books, all information seems tedious and boring. My avoidance of information kicks in. My delusions of misdiagnoses pops its wearing face into the equation and my schizophrenic brain screams *I’m not fucking schizophrenic* into the wind. Then I read some of this shit and I’m amazed again. I’ll tell you that main ‘revelation’ new-to-me information at the end.
Antipsychotic Medications
They block the dopamine receptors and inhibit re-uptake which assist with correction of the positive symptoms of schizophrenia:
“The negative symptoms of schizophrenia include volitional (motivational) impairment manifesting as avolition, anhedonia, social withdrawal, and emotional disorders such as alogia and affective flattening. Negative symptoms worsen patients' quality of life and functioning. From the diagnostic point of view, it is important to differentiate between primary negative symptoms, which are regarded as an integral dimension of schizophrenia, and secondary negative symptoms occurring as a result of positive symptoms, comorbid depression, side effects of antipsychotics, substance abuse, or social isolation. If secondary negative symptoms overlap with primary negative symptoms, it can create a false clinical impression of worsening deficit symptoms and disease progression, which leads to the choice of incorrect therapeutic strategy with excessive dopamine blocker loading. Different longitudinal trajectories of primary and secondary negative symptoms in different schizophrenia stages are proposed as an important additional discriminating factor. This review and position paper focuses primarily on clinical aspects of negative symptoms in schizophrenia, their definition, phenomenology, factor structure, and classification. It covers the historical and modern concepts of the paradigm of positive and negative symptoms in schizophrenia, as well as a detailed comparison of the assessment tools and psychometric tests used for the evaluation of negative symptoms.”
By blocking those receptors an adverse affect is for the patient to experience lower dopamine levels this can lead or be linked to Parkinson’s Decease which is caused by not enough dopamine/ too low a level of such in the brain. However, I learned today that PD and Schitz neuro-wotsits (dopamine carriers) run along different lines to between four separate areas of the brain accordingly. I was rambling on about my findings over a video call with my Mother earlier today who, bless her, was trying her best to feign interest in it all. She said in a way only a Mum could ever get away with:
MUM: “Oooh, I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
ME: “Well, let me explain it like this: Although the PD brain and the Schiz brain are both affected by Dopamine and both have pathways they’re not exactly the same, because they travel to different areas of the brain which then become reactive. Like, imagine our Manchester Transport System, and the trams have lines that go to different places. You can jump on a tram at the same station but one goes along one route and vice versa. Well, this is the same. So, the connection made between Schiz and PD don’t qualify as gospel. Do you get me?”
MUM: Oh, c’mon love don’t bang on about it now, do your work. Don’t play that Schizo card with me*
*the irony of this was that she’s obviously heard somebody talking about me saying I must ‘play the schizo card’ when it suits me. Probably my partner who I believed might be having an affair with her. But, is that true? who knows. Have I pulled them up more than once about it? NO. When I do try to call them out guess what happens? You guessed. THEY PULL THE ‘SCHIZO CARD’ OUT ON ME! Nuff Said.
The downside to Antipyschoic Medications is that by lowering the dopamine levels its increases the NEGATIVE SYMPTOMS:
The main point I am delighted to tell you:
In what they call ‘Normal’ brains (I say ‘Regular’ brains) the levels of Dopamine released into them is EXACTLY THE SAME as in the Schizophrenic brain.. but, get on this…. The difference is that Schizophrenic have over double the amount of receptors than those Regular / Normal brains. So, when the same amount is released it hits us nutty fuckers twice as fucking hard, I was going to talk about my love, loneliness and pain but I’m fuming at reminding myself about my partner and mum having an affair.
NO BLOODY WONDER I CAN’T FUNCTION especially with these constant Schizophrenia symptoms:
I reached out to the mostly unlikely person who I thought to be a friend and wrote him this big long letter, to which he never replied. Until it was too late. He blasted me after being called out for ‘ghosting me’ he kind of ‘zombied me’ shows up when its too late to pick my brains. He’s not a nice person if he doesn’t like you enough to be a real friend so - he’s gone with the wind. Fuck him.. x
Dear Fuck Head Cuntface Nobody,
💌…I am booked tomorrow at the GP. I want to tell them about the abuse again. This time I will accept their help, they will bring the housing and police into it and get him removed. The only thing is, I don't know if he will be given emergency housing and he has the dog too. They might just kick him out. He said if I make him homeless he will burn my house down with me inside it. He said its not a death threat its a promise of annihilation and him doing that way is him being kind to me.
The alternative is pay for him to get a birth certificate on friday. He uses it to put his name down on the council housing list. He might get priority but might not also he might decide to say I am abusing him. He told me this. I actually agreed so that they could remove him for his safety or something. But he said he will lie and say really bad things about me so i go to jail. If he doesn't say these bad things it could take fucking years before he is offered a place, then he has to like it and accept, then he has to 'bid on it' and see if he gets picked. This is so shit. I don't want it.
He is fucking my mum. It takes an hour to nip to her house on the tram and get back. He has been taking the dog out for an hour. He leaves here at a certain time like today was 14:15 my mum was on video she jumped off quick at 14:47 (it takes him 2 minutes to fuck he's quick) then he got back here at 15:25 ish. The dog immediately wanted me to let her out in the garden for a piss and shit. After an hour on a 'walk'. Bit fishy right? What he said where he had been was in Piccadilly Gardens in town takes about 7 minutes from mine to get there and same to get back. So all that time on the grass gardens and she comes home to shit and piss. Nah!
He thinks he is clever trying to plant seeds in my head. So blatant and obvious he accused me of being paranoid cos he asked where my mum was I said she got off earlier and he said ''what ? so you think I've been there!' - I did think about it but I hadn't opened my mouth. Just the look on my face told him EVERYTHING I was thinking! Yeah right, so now he is so in tune with me, apparently so innocent, but the cunt happens to 'read my mind so accuratley' like some jumped up fucking schizo-whisperer. What a wanker!!
He is either deliberately being obvious and acting like this so that I kick off. Which I didn't do, instead I am seriously considering going the first route through the authorities but I feel like its cruel on him and the dog. But its cruel on me. My mum keeps telling me to stay with him. She made me let him back in after that police stint when his brother sent me all those texts telling me all the cheating things he'd been doing. HIs brother didn't tell me anything about my mum only that even she hates me. My mum has relationships with married men or men who are in relationships, she always does it.
I still speak to my mum but I think the night I ran out of this house nad got him removed by the police they offered to take him somewhere else (i had the dog with me) and I heard him say to them come away from the house so I can give you an address I don't want her to hear it. I dismissed that comment on the night cos I was ampd up stressed out and almost forgot about it. I think he went to my mums house. It's only just dawning on me though. She was adamant i shouldn't kick him out, kept trying to make me believe he doesn't cheat. He and her keep repeating phrases and sayings, she keep saying comments that he says, he keeps saying comments that she says.
You know how you pick up on other people's chat and banter or vocab. Its odd. Anyway, this is too long. No proof. Do I fuck the whole thing off, bite the bullet and crack on (oh yeah, he blows hot and cold mostly freezing). That time I told you he was being really good to me. He had shagged me 3 days in a row. I told my mum in passing and made a joke about it being 'the reason for buying him a PS5 pro (I'm not buying him it now but he worked out I need to pay Virgin Media for our overdue internet bill that day).
I joked to my mum that I can't believe he is 'putting out now' all it took was 3 fucks in a row and there I go wanting to shower him with a gift! She looked shocked. He fucked off for a whole night. She was unavailable same night said she had company of my auntie with her. Ever since I've been called fucking baldy baldy baldy, ginger fanny, my hair underneath the dye is ginger and my fanny is bald but he means my hair on my head is baldy and my fanny is ginger orange clit all the nicest shti to say, we haven't fucked since. He says he loves me 100 times a day, its bullshit. Its fucking horrible. I'm tired. How many fucking words have I written in this. Forget I sent it. I'm venting.
I want to get out of this but I don't want to fuck the dog's head up, if I don't do this now, he will fuck my head up. I'm so fucking fucked. Even if I just played along and wait til he gets gone out of it, like I always do. Stay strong until they shit all over me and leave me on my own. I won't just lose all i have known for 15 years, I will lose my mum again too. She has form. She left me from birth. She left me for years. She came back to see them switch my life support machine off. I woke up. I'm here. She stayed in touch. We got close. Now she's on about moving out of her house. I think she will fuck off with him. I will be alone again. Its better to be away from those evil people but im not safe on my own. I want to be okay. I don't know how to be ok…..💌
Yours sincerely,
Someone who gave you a chance to destroy her and you did but not how she would have liked. Goodnight. xx
🌹🌻🌸💐💚💜❤️🌼😍🥰