12.02.24 [💥MIND-BLOWN💥] Monday!
Mondays are for things that have blown my mind - keep in mind that, if dynamite were brains, I wouldn't have enough to blow my nose! (o_0)
12 February 2024
Helloo0o0ooo…Chasers!💥
HELLO AGAIN< My Mind-Bending,Friendly Chasers! (and hopefully I’ll be saying ‘Hiii’ to a few NEW faces and Chasers-To-Be!)...come sit down next to me! xx
Sitting here in battered slippers and an old ripped nightdress. It’s designed to be a dress, probably a summer dress. It’s three sizes too big and it makes me feel feminine. I look in the window at my misty reflection and I look like the back end of a fucking garden centre delivery truck! I hope by no sense this evidence will distract you from the impact of my words with you today. I’m surprisingly one step ahead of the game this evening as it is actually Sunday 11 February 2024 (basically the night before this is due to be sent out to you all). Recently, I have been so wrapped up in myself and shitty situational stuff going on with me and around me, that I have been leaving a lot of my writing work and self expression at the door. I started playing catch up every Saturday. I would work on Tuesday's through to Friday's newsletters and then possibly do a Sexy Saturday that night too before bed. Now, however, I am trying to get ahead again. It took me a day where I placed myself out of the equation of being me. I took two long walks and felt empty and shattered and self pity.
Stepping Away From Living IN Me.
I am sick and tired of living in a body that is ageing and not being appreciative of the way in which it is affecting how people, people being mostly my partner, is treating me. I feel like my own age and form is causing me more harm than good. My mind feels much older than all of the above. I am happy to settle down into a psyche that is beyond my years and appreciate that my body and natural birthdays have a lot of catching up to do with my old, old, old soul. But then you get your age thrown up in arguments, in your face, like it’s baggage and bad baggage at that. You feel like you should try and do something with your hair or face. You feel left behind of the rat race because you refuse to scroll through TikTok all day and you are made to feel like a boring old cunt because you choose to spend your time with your nose in a book, or writing on a laptop or creating things on your smartphone and you feel daft and ridiculous when looking at all the stuff you have accumulated that screams volumes of your personality and who you are… and you end up hating everything you see.
Started Trying To Live AS Me.
I couldn’t breathe by myself this morning. I awoke bright eyed and bushy tailed but was coughing and almost peeing, smoking and thinking about the whole scenario where my partner might or might not be having a full blown affair. Four weeks so far. I keep thinking about who I am and do I want to be this person. Who would I be if I leave him or he leaves me? Would I really still be so satisfied and content, sitting down all day with books and pens and paper and writing, would I still want to express myself in that way? Probably not. For one I would never have the concentration to read. My mind would be constantly worried about the future or the noise coming from the neighbours house as every single sound is amplified when you're alone and scared and paranoid. Would I want to do everything the same way that I do things now? Or, would I want to do the very things that I have been avoiding taking part in with my current partner. I wonder, would I revert back to the person who I used to be when bending down didn’t involve bending at knee to avoid a cracking back. When I could squat on a cock a good few times and get back up without getting cramp. When I wanted to show the wild in me the ferrel was reckless and exciting me at 18. Even 28 years old I was still having ‘fun’ doing all these mind numbing things that young people do, where they belong. I’m now 41 and want to move on without being or appearing to be a boring cunt. I feel like I have grown old and my partner is still so young - he’s 42 but aged very well in looks. He doesn’t sit still, he never reads books, he lounges around flicking through TikTok and laughing at stuff that I think sucks. I think it’s just me turning into my Dad - who I thought was mad for being so quiet and boring, not getting involved in new music and drugs, who I believed to be a bit of an inverted snob when it comes to all the rest of us. Like living a silent champagne lifestyle with a wallet of crime (not grime - crime) and dust. I wonder if there are other people my age or older who like me love to just fuck, do the occasional drugs, get lost in music and stuck in a book. Writing and creating stuff just to kill some time while enjoying being together with the one person they love. Will that one person they love ever be someone like me? I feel like I am in a state of grief - grieving the person I used to be - feeling curious - about the one to come or who I am or even if it is me - it is a curious emptiness and when trying to figure out what the fuck I want to be like, how to express myself in the world, or how to find myself away from the world in quiet enjoyment, safe at my desk with a smoke and a brew ideally - it feels strangely scary and, well, empty inside me - that feeling that can sometimes come after news of a death.
Thinking About Acting My Age
Well he is older than me but he still thinks, feels, reacts and responds well to all the modern pros and cons. He still wants to be young. I feel like he is carrying on and properly acting his age like why should he change. He is in the boat gliding down the same river as me and although the river is never the same river twice, he is still the same as ever. It is me that has stopped. I have stopped reacting, responding, appreciating NEW things. I have locked myself up…. Not in the past. But in a new space of life where I shut most new experiences out. Like for instance, new music. I don’t have a clue who is chart-topping now, I don’t know the lyrics to all these Tik Tok background tracks and what’s actually being blasted on radios and Spotify headlines and whatever the fuck is going on. I don’t give a fuck what 20 year olds are doing for fun. Whatever is trending or anything that is going on. I want to stick within my age group - thinking ‘I’ve already had my time for fun in the sun, playing at life, the magical euphoria is dead and gone. I’d rather wear slippers and have my ‘nightdress’ ripped off by just one. I’d rather wrap myself in this bubble of two and get on with killing time together and, as I tell him many times, “I just wanna keep spending time with you!” Then I see other people. I had to mention the muse again. He was about our age or a couple years older. He is the amalgamation of all of the young people out there, my partner, everything I have ever dreamed of in the looks department, and the best is - he does very similar things as me for his day job. He talks how I want to be talked to. He appreciates life and sings and dances and acts and entertains and writes and read poetry for fuck sake. He gets depressed at times like I do too - I know we’re not alone in that everyone feels sad and stuff. I guess, this dude would be much more to handle than the one I’ve already got. Which brings me back to wondering would he bring the old me back with extra ‘baggage’ belonging to this old, old soul of mine I do love..!?
Is It My Love That Brings Out The Bore?
I want a love that allows me to be the bore but brings out the whore in me too! Would I change if I was treated better, appreciated more, if I was elevated and supported in all these boring writing / poetry / creative ventures? What if I am just doing anything that I can to hold onto something that I love. Not the person. I can’t even be sure that I love writing unless it’s similar to the way he loves me. Like if I love writing like he loves me it would explain the feeling of enjoying something but being really ashamed of it and feeling like it’s a bad ‘guilty pleasure’ reflection of who I am or wish to be. He is much cooler than me. I had a key ring that said ‘Grow Old With Me’ on it and I found myself constantly thinking about that wish. I ended up removing it from my keys. I feel much lighter now without the added worry of not only growing old but finding my mature femininity.
Q: Do We Want Someone To Grow Old With or Someone To Stay Young With?
Goodbye for now see you the same time of the week when I try to interest you in something bizarre that has pecked my head or ‘blown my mind’ where we will see what has got the old rusty cogs whirring this time around! x..(0_o)..x
What has blown my mind lately (in short!)
My inability to write poetry!
One foot in the past, one in the future and my tits hanging somewhere on the fence of the present, here and now.
Being Me Isn’t Easy.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Thanks for musing my 💥mind-blown💥 🥱 news with me… until next time, don’t forget t0 - “ACT YO! AGE” 🤣🥴🤣
